Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Booster Gold

I would have loved to see Sinestro(?) practicing this rhyme. I can see him practicing in front of his mirror. "Okay, so...In brightest day/In blackest night/no evil shall...shit, what was that line again?" And then when he thinks he's ready he'll perform it for Booster: "No evil shall...goddammit, hold on a sec, willya?"

Can you imagine if you were fighting a villain who randomly started speaking in rhyme? I'm not actually sure what I would do. I might be wide-eyed with confusion, like Booster, or I might just start laughing out loud. Note to potential super-villains: speaking in rhyme does not make you seem imposing.

Yeah, sure, Batman, you're just monitoring the Royal Flush Gang. That's why that woman's boobs are inflated to like 250% of their actual size and you appear to just be staring.

I read my comics on CDisplay, and when there are splash pages I have to scroll around to see everything. Imagine my shock and eventual horror when his crotch JUMPED OUT AT ME.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Return of Dr. Breasty Betty: The Reckoning

Yes, it's time to visit our good friend, Dr. Boobsy Betty.

No clue why Betty is holding up the bottom of her skanktastic AIM outfit. If she lets it down, it won't even be near the swamp water.

Is Headpool sitting on Deadpool's head?

Betty's leaning to the right there because her enormous boob to tiny waist ratio is a little off.

How has she not had a nipslip yet? (Other than the fact that she's not real). Her boobs are enormous. I just can't handle it. Here's something to help you handle it, however:

Oh Nick Fury, you are as soothing to the soul as a milkshake on a hot day.

But I might be acting unfair towards Dr. Busty Betty. Here's something featuring her that I actually quite like:

So pleasantly romantic! So pleasantly colourful! So pleasantly lacking in a scary bustline! My favourite part is Headpool's distress.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Worst of All-Star Batman

Coincidentally, while typing in the title of this post, I accidentally wrote "EW". That about sums up my feelings of these panels. In his script for this page, Frank Miller said something like, "Okay Jim, I'm shameless. Go for the ass shot" or something. Classy. In Frank Miller's mind, women lounge around in front of large windows in pink lingerie drinking martinis.

Most of the time, I look on All-Star Batman like a two legged retarded puppy: kind of hilarious, but pathetic at the same time. But when a whole page is taken up by close-ups of boobs, ass, and va-jay-jay, I just want to punch Frank Miller. Jim Lee is not my favourite artist, but he deserves better than this.

Also in Frank Miller's mind, people regularly use the term "sexpot." Look, I get it if you're talking about like, Bridget Bardot or something, but who has actually called another human a sexpot in passing? I mean, what? Frank Miller and his fans think he's being "edgy" and "dark" when really he's just being BATSHIT INSANE.

If, out of context, you saw a man with this expression on his face eyeing a 12-year-old boy in spandex tights and saying "I've got an eye for talent", what would you think?

Yeah, I thought so.

You know, I really could have lived with the whole objectification of women thing that All-Star Batman did. I don't like it, but if I only read comics that were purely feminist, well, I wouldn't read comics. What really got me was the complete lack of redeeming qualities in anyone shown. Batman, thugs, even this random woman. I totally understand wanting to get revenge on someone who was going to hurt you, but she watched these men get beaten to within an inch of their lives with such a look of glee, and then stomped this one guy. Her expression scared me as much as the conscience-free thugs did.

So, Batman has a mechanical T-rex in the batcave. No big deal.

So here's a test to see if you're mentally sound. You're at the circus when the performers get shot. Do you look shocked and horrified like Vicki Vale? Or do you look like you're contemplating how to take over the world (Pinky)? If it's the latter, you have a problem. Please seek help.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Warm Fuzzies

It's Friday, it's freezing, and I have a crapload of homework due next week...I NEED SOMETHING ADORABLE.

LOOK AT THE LITTLE BABY DC CHARACTERS! From left to right we have some chick I don't know, Cyborg, Beast Boy, some other chick I don't know. Bottom row: Red Arrow, possibly, The Flash, Robin, Aquaman, and Wonder Woman. I just want to pick up Aquaman and hug him.

I love how cartoony this is. This is a glimpse inside Cable's mind, so I don't know what that says about him. That he's secretly a child? Who knows. Dom looks amazing in this design.

Awww, Deuce! I would have included Sandi's cat in the general love for adorable creatures, but I've seen that thing eat monster brains, so I can't really look at it in the same way. Left is Pete Woods' work, middle is Udon, right is possibly Pete Woods again but I can't remember. You know, in one fell swoop in Deadpool they got rid of all my favourite characters: Al, Weasel, Monty, Deuce...damn you, Kelly. Then Christopher Priest came in and made it worse BUT THAT IS A RANT FOR ANOTHER DAY.

Who knew the Skrulls could actually be cute with their bizarre corrugated chins? I want one for my very own. You know, without the invading and killing part.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Costumes I Like

You know how when you see a complete badass character doing something awesomely badass, and it just makes you so happy because IT'S AWESOME?

This image did it for me. I absolutely love his redesign. Tasky's moved away from the over the top drama of his old costume and personality and turned into more of an antihero (or anti-villain, depending on how you want to look at it). I'm not too sure why I like the hoodie so much, but I do. It's so refreshing after the primary coloured spandex of old.

Also refreshing:

Cassandra Cain's costume! Could it be? No belly button? No HH boobs? No mask that fails to conceal your identity AT ALL (I'm looking at you, Ms. Marvel)? No cleavage out the ying yang? I just...this fails to compute. But I kind of love it.

I wish I could take the first panel out of context and remove the word bubble. Then it's just her looking very confused (inasmuch as a person whose face is concealed can look confused) and holding a Wonder Woman doll.

But my favourite costume of all time has to be...

Ha, I'm just kidding, I just put that in to make you feel uncomfortable.

That would be Deadpool, who refused to help the X-Men unless he got to wear Marvel Girl's costume. Fun fact: he was originally supposed to be wearing this costume the whole issue, but the artist didn't want to draw any more of that than he had to, and the writers decided it wouldn't be funny for that long.

I love Beast's reaction. Just the facepalm and calmly correcting Deadpool's assumptions.
"He'll change his mind, right Hank?"
"Give it six seconds, Scott."
"That's an eternity right now."

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


For some reason, I just love Taskmaster. I was first exposed to him in early Deadpool, when he was defeated because Deadpool started dancing. He was a pretty goofy villain then, but he has somewhat evolved into an antihero in later writing (with Gail Simone's writing on Deadpool and Agent X). I like his dynamic with Deadpool: they're both amoral mercenaries, but Tasky does it with style and sophistication, whereas Deadpool is just a moron. Tasky doesn't particularly like Deadpool, but he still helps him out on occasion for unknown reasons.

And holy fucking shit, look how buff he is. I like his other design better, with the hoodie, but he just looks so COOL here. Even with the weird t-shirt and cape/hood thingie. And speaking of buff:

WOW. That is not physically possible. His arms are probably wider than my waist. Here's another ponytail wearer that I forgot. I'm a little weirded out by that vein thing on his arm. And speaking of things that aren't physically possible...

Those boobs must be made of stone. They're like, what, double H? And they are apparently immovable.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Day of the Ponytail

I think we can all agree that ponytails are generally the domain of the female. I very rarely see men with ponytails, and if they do have ponytails, they're low on their heads. But in comics, the rules are different.

Did Canary do his hair or something? That's the only way I imagine a man would actually do his hair like this. This is an immaculate ponytail with no hair sticking out, and it's pulled back super tightly from his head. Not only is he wearing a ponytail, but he's wearing a ponytail he put effort into. You need gel or something to get it that perfect. He put thought into his hairdo.

Oh hey Canary, you look really manly all of a...wait. That's just another man with blow dried anime hair in a ponytail. This guy is hilarious. He's supposed to be really scary and psycho, but all I could think when I was reading this was "I CANNOT TAKE THIS GUY SERIOUSLY WITH HIS LONG, FLOWING LOCKS."

If I'm recalling correctly (which I might not be) this guy is in some sort of secret service or some such. Wearing your hair in a ponytail is not the way to go about inspiring fear in people.

Comic books are not the only form of media susceptible to this phenomenon. Animation is as well.

Let's ignore the fact that this guy might be wearing chaps. His hair here looks like those cartoon pictures of little girls who have a little ponytail sticking up because they're supposed to be cute. Or like, little lapdogs who have the ponytail to show that they're pampered. This is not the thing to wear if you want to be thought of as masculine, ever.

Wow. Not only is he wearing like, some sort of retro sixties ponytail, he is accessorizing with a headband that matches the rest of his outfit. Comics are insane.

I love you, Deadpool. Keep doing what you're doing.

Like I said before, I was going to stay away from cheap shots on Rob Liefeld, but I feel like this needs to be seen:

It's like every bad hair sin of comics personified. High ponytail, check. Unnecessary additions to the hairdo, check. Mullet, check. In the words of the guys at Progressive Boink, "Can you imagine how hard you would elbow your friend if you saw a dude with three ponytails? You would elbow the shit out of them."

Monday, March 22, 2010

Crossing The Line

Here's something else I learned about comics since I started reading them in depth: no matter what you've heard, they are not for children. Or at least Deadpool isn't.

This is the aftermath of these guys going back in time to shoot a baby in its crib. Different people in Booster Gold mention going back in time to kill key characters while they are children, but I didn't think they'd actually SHOW IT.

Sabretooth keeps dead people in his closet. No big D.
And not only does he keep adults but:

He also keeps a little girl for dessert. Ugh. I hate him more than T-Ray.

Deadpool gets to show a soft side he rarely gets to express during Tieri's run and helps a young child power down by telling Yo Momma jokes (his go-to in every situation, it would seem) and then the fuzzy moment is destroyed when Kane kills the kid. I thought in fiction children were supposed to have character shield, but I guess not. You know what else doesn't?

Dogs. First, they showed one of those evil twins planning on doing something unknown with the dog. Then it showed the dog being thrown. Then it showed this panel. Here was my thought process while reading this:
"She's not going to hurt the dog, is she? They wouldn't do that."
"Nah, the dogs never die."
"Okay, if the dog gets hurt, they wouldn't show it, would they?"
"Is she throwing that dog at the windshield? They're not going to show that, are they?"
"They definitely just showed a dog smashing through a windshield."
"Fuck you, Jimmy Palmiotti."
A small mercy here is that they didn't show any blood. Thanks for at least giving me that, Palmiotti.

Although, I...not enjoy - I don't generally enjoy dogs getting hurt - but I am kind of amused by its facial expression. It's less "horror stricken at its impending death" so much as a little disgruntled. He just looks kind of annoyed at this interruption of his walk.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Black Canary

Did she stuff a basketball down her pants? That is a perfectly circular butt cheek.

Here's something fun: try standing like this. You have to stick your ass out and bend your knees a lot. No woman has, nor will any woman ever stand like this for the simple reason that it's uncomfortable and it looks stupid. But for some reason which I cannot comprehend, male comic artists INSIST on making women pose like this, the most egregious example, of course, being Rob Liefeld.

The fringed jacket and baseball cap would be bad enough, but why is she wearing that jacket over her superhero costume? If it's warm enough for spandex, it's too warm for the jacket. One or the other Canary, and while I'm not a huge fan of your normal outfit, it's better than that heinous 90's-tastic jacket.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

All together now: awwwwwwwwwww

When people think "comic books" they don't generally think of them as particularly heartwarming. But a surprising number of comics give the warm fuzzies.

This takes place after Booster goes back in time to save Ted Kord from death, and then Ted realizes he has to die to make the timeline normal again, and dies all over again. Booster gives up on his mission and snaps at the JLA and everyone who likes him. Batman decides to take things into his own hands and give Booster a pep talk and then offers to be there for him, even though he's not Ted. Who knew Batman had empathy for others? I halfway thought Batman didn't even have any emotions. It was probably the second sweetest (and best) thing anyone had ever done for Booster, the first being when Rip brought Michelle back from the dead. I particularly like the extra touch of having Batman's sympathetic face reflected in Booster's goggles.

Booster and Beetle's narration about each other sometimes seems like it should be narmy (especially when it gets on the homoerotic side) but it still works, because it's so sweet! "I barely know him [the future Blue Beetle] and yet I owe him everything. Because my best friend is back."

This is after Deadpool and the Avengers and Fantastic Four and others fight the Carnage dinos, and Deadpool finally realizes what it is to be a hero. The panels are a throwback to the opening of Cable/Deadpool showing just how far Deadpool has come from the lonely and bitter bastard we started out with. Now he has friends and he's learned how to be a friend. The fact that they're watching Golden Girls is, of course, a shout out to Deadpool's well-known love of Bea Arthur. And the TV going "thank you for being a friend" is a great shout out to Deadpool finally being a friend to people. It's the perfect ending to a fantastic comic.

Friday, March 19, 2010

"That's how I defenstrate, chumples!"

This might be the best thing Deadpool has every said. I can't put my finger on why I enjoy it so much, but I just think it's so funny. "THAT'S HOW I DEFENSTRATE, CHUMPLES!" It makes no sense! But it's hilarious!

I also love Spidey's expression. So confused, and yet in his heart he can't let himself be surprised. Because it's Deadpool, and Deadpool is insane.

"Meh, no need to waste time taking off this shirt. I'm just gonna rip it off." How was he hiding his cape under that suit he was wearing as a disguise? And when he ripped off his shirt, did his pants rip off as well? Batman is so hardcore.

In addition to having either the best or worst name (I can't decide which) The Malevolent Madmen look like the Satanic love child of the Power Rangers and some Fraggles. So is it just a thing that Booster Gold and Blue Beetle get the worst villains, seeing as how they're B-list and all?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Mullet Madness

You would not believe how many mullets there are in comic books. Here's proof.

WHAT IS UP WITH THIS HAIR??? She looks like a member of T-Rex or something.

That cop is trying for an imposing look there, but the mullet kind of kills the effect.

I don't know who this lady is. I don't think she's a member of the JLA. Is she the official cake cutter or something?

Guy Gardner looks like he's trying very hard not to shart.

Ralph, there's already a strike against you for being Mr. Fantastic's lamer twin (including a wife named Sue). Do you have to add the ginger mullet to the mix?

Rex, you're from the future, and this comic was written in 2007. There is no excuse for that hair.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Why AREN'T there two Condiment Kings?

The only way all my wishes would come true is if there were two Condiment Kings, but there aren't, are there, Booster?

You have got to be kidding me. There is more than one show of ass crack in the comic pages? And they occur across the DC and Marvel universes? Give me a break.

And with this one image, a hundred Beetle hentai fetishes were launched.