Today's dollar comic is entitled "Green Lantern: Return to Oa."
This Green Lantern comic is special for a few reasons. It was published in 1990, which makes it as old as I am. Secondly, I wasn’t really interested in it until I was flipping through trying to find the date and found out that Guy was in it! Guy Gardner, as I’ve stated several times before, is my absolute favourite Green Lantern. He’s a good guy underneath his asshole-ish exterior, and when he’s being an asshole, he’s one of those entertaining assholes. Plus I like to giggle at his haircut. Side note: I was reading some Blue Beetle scans on Scans_Daily and someone commented saying that Guy Gardner should be Milagro Reyes’ canon mentor. YES, that is the best idea ever. It would be an awesome comic if Milagro became a Green Lantern and then G’nort teamed up with her and Guy was their long suffering like, supervisor person.
The cover of the comic is unsettling, as there are no eyes visible behind Hal’s domino mask.
We begin with a little exposition. Something big happened and the Corps are reduced to three (one of those three better be G’nort.) Hal mentions travelling with a guardian called the Old Timer. The Old Timer is holding a Green Lantern prisoner, and towns in America are disappearing for whatever reason.
Hal gets hit by something, falls, and wakes up in Rose’s house. I think Rose is an old paramour or something. Then he gets freaked out because of something off panel going “Fish heads! Fish heads!” True story: when I was in grade 12, during the magazine campaign, one of our punishments for not reaching our goal was hearing the “fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads” song between every class. It was hell, so I had a minor PTSD attack when I read that. Hal puts on his mask, which starts glowing or something. I actually don’t know…does the mask have some sort of power? Someone please explain this to me.
Hal runs outside and a bunch of farmers (yes, because ALL FARMERS are xenophobic hicks) are attacking some kind of fishy alien with pitchforks (yes, because if farmers had to attack something, they always use pitchforks). True story: I was sitting in the house watching TV last night when I heard a weird, high pitched sound from outside. I was afraid coyotes (or possibly aliens) were attacking my dog Dallas. She’s like 12 and I knew she couldn’t fight off a coyote. So I grabbed a flashlight and a little axe and went off to fight the coyotes/aliens. I didn’t actually find any. My point: I live on a farm and my first instinct was not to grab a pitchfork to fight an intruder. ANYWAY, Hal saves the alien, who says he walked to earth.
I don’t really understand what happens next, but what it boils down to is that Old Timer is going crazy. Oh, I guess they were all transported to another planet. Rose freaks out because she has a loan for her farm and she doesn’t want to lose it.
I’ll be honest here. I have no idea what’s going on. Hal is flying through like, jellyfish and stuff and then he comes across John Stewart, who is trapped somehow. Then he’s fighting this big weird monster. This is such an acid trip. Hal can’t defend himself because this monster is shooting yellow lasers. WORST WEAKNESS EVER.
Old Timer shows up. He made this new planet and reveals that if he is threatened, the planet is destroyed. Old Timer says he just wants everyone to be happy, which is why he brought Hal to the planet to be with Rose. Old Timer does something and sends Hal back in time (or whatever? I don’t really know) and he wakes up at Rose’s, she repeats what she said before, except Hal is acting like a suburban dad.
Toby asks Hal if he can see a town out of the corner of his eye (the town the fish people came from) but Hal thinks it’s a game. He’s all, “we have a lot of farming to do!” Because apparently they went back to a time when farm machinery didn’t exist because he’s doing everything by hand. Rose has contracted a Southern accent that she definitely didn’t have before.
Hal’s ring does something funny and later in bed he’s all “I can’t believe I’m doing this, but what choice do I have?” Cut to…GUY GARDNER, who is watching Wheel of Fortune and insulting the contestants. His haircut really is horrendous. I do appreciate that Guy wears his costume and gloves 24/7, apparently. Guy makes some ungentlemanly comments about the female contestant’s assets and then Hal starts talking to him from his ring. Ha ha, best line from Guy (re: Wheel of Fortune): “This is an insult to my intelligence. Lemme see what’s on the Playboy channel.” Oh Guy. Never change. That’s pretty racy for a comic book directed at kids.
Turns out that Hal planted a command in his ring to wake him when the Old Timer’s thoughts were no longer monitoring his mind. Guy: “Gee Hal, you’re so slick.” Love that guy. Hal asks Guy to come to Oa. Guy gloats a little bit. “I oughta capture this on video - except I’d have to erase last night’s date.” Again, pretty racy for a kid’s comic. Guy doesn’t want to go. “Never went much for that outer space stuff. All the dames are weird colours.” Never stopped Kirk. Guy realizes Hal will owe him a favour and goes to help him.
Choice excerpts from the letters page:
“Gerard’s doing a good job of showing how three different men handle the responsibility of being a GL. One (Hal) is struggling, another (John) is searching for answers, and the third (Guy) is a putz.”
“The only problem I have is with Guy Gardner (who doesn’t?)”
Hey, here’s someone who feels about Guy the way I do!
“As always, Guy is great (but please don’t tell him I said so).”
Here’s something I thought was random:
“He seems to be having problems using the ring, especially against felines and superheroes.”
GL takes the prize for stupidest weaknesses, but felines?
Anyway, that was a pretty okay issue. I didn’t know what was going on half the time but it felt like the writers were on acid, which was interesting, plus GUY.