Saturday, August 21, 2010

My Least Favourite Costumes

If you really think about it, superhero costumes are ridiculous. Can you imagine actually WEARING some of that shit, or what it would look like on an actual human being? Yeah. But, some are worse than others. Way worse.

Plastic Man

We'll start of with the worst of the worst, which is Plastic Man's costume. I love that dude. Whenever he shows up, things get fun. Like Wonder Woman, Superman/Batman (where he was pretty heroic) and Batman: The Brave and the Bold. But his costume is horrendous. It's like wearing a speedo all the time. Number 1, that's gotta be uncomfortable. Number 2, PLEASE PLAS, THINK OF THE CHILDREN. And then there's the slit in the front with the tie up. Um, it's doubtful even a GIRL could pull that off, forget a guy. He has some classic douchey white sunglasses too, but I think they fit his personality. I hope to God they never make a live action Plas because I could only watch between the slits in my fingers.

Donna Troy

Donna's outfit looks like she went to a Dazzler concert and tried to emulate her style. What she failed to realize was that no one wants to be like Dazzler. Her sparkly jumpsuit is so disco and dated. And I KNOW she has style, because her Wonder Woman costume made it to the list of my favourite costumes.


The early Robin costume (worn by Dick Grayson and Jason Todd) is awful. I don't even know what material the shorts are made out looks like alligator skin or something. Did Batman design it? And what was going through his mind when he did so? The pixie boots make him look like an idiot and I'm not really a huge fan of the collar on the cape either. Say what you will about Marvel, but they have NEVER subjected us to as much man leg as DC has.

Iron Fist

Oh, Iron Fist. Where to begin? The gigantic collar, the genie pants, the half mask, the sashes…but the worst is definitely HIS YELLOW FLATS. They’re actually cute shoes…FOR A GIRL. I was thinking about how to change his costume so it was still recognizable but so that it wasn’t as horrifying. My solution is to keep the collar but fill in the low neckline and then put on a full mask. And put on some boots or something, for the love of God. Those shoes are just embarrassing.

I still don't understand his power. Can he just punch really hard? But just with the one fist?


Hint: do not search Catman on Google images. What you see there will haunt you forever.
I am very fond of Catman and he is my favourite member of the Secret Six. His costume style isn't terrible, if a bit generic. But it seems like a ripoff of both Batman and Catwoman's costumes (fitting, I guess, since he was originally supposed to be a ripoff of Batman). But I could live with that, if the colours weren't so simultaneously horrifying and bland together.

Luke Cage

Ahh, the 70s. Where a man could wear a puffy sleeved yellow shirt and a tiara, and he was still feared by criminals. I'm not altogether fond of his "costume" or whatever now, either. It's a wifebeater and jeans I think, which is okay but it would be nice if there was some way to distinguish him as a member of the Avengers.

Power Girl

If you search for Power Girl on Google, almost all the pictures look SO PORNY.

Yes, this is mainly because of the boob window. I read somewhere that the reason she had it was because she couldn't think of a logo, so she just left it blank. I'm so sure. It's not like the logo just fits in there and doesn't have to be attached to fabric or anything. ANYWAY. The boob window is stupid and I'm not a fan of her boots.
There's something about the colour scheme that I like though. The blue is really nice. And I like the gloves on her too, for some reason. Although I'm not generally a fan of gloves.

Blue Beetle (Dan Garrett)

Dan's costume isn't terrible, but the red on top reminds me of a rooster's comb and I hate chickens, so I have this deep visceral reaction to it. I've had dreams about the chickens forming an army and storming the house.

Mr. Terrific

If he was the third smartest man in the world, he wouldn't think that costume was a good idea.

Look, I don’t even know. He has that bizarre face mask thing JUST LIKE whatshisface from Youngblood. Why would two people think that was a good idea? And his jacket that says stuff like, “Fair play” and has his name on the back, like some kind of weirdo letterman jacket. I wasn’t even aware of his existence until he randomly showed up in Wonder Woman and confused me greatly.

Black Canary

No one's happier than me that you've discovered modesty, Dinah, but GEEZ.
While there are issues with her traditional costume, Dinah makes the list because of her brief costume redesign in the 80s. According to Wikipedia, it has a "bird motif" except I can't see anything bird-like except the fact that it makes me want to vomit like a bird vomiting up worms for its offspring. It's...JUST LOOK AT IT. There are no words.

No comments:

Post a Comment