Party at the Frees

Guys. Mr. Miracle's solo series is AMAZING. Admittedly, I only really like it when Barda's there, but she's in almost every issue so the point is moot. Vol. 1, written by Jack Kirby is great of course, but the nice thing about Mr. Miracle is that as far as I can tell (I haven't read much beyond the Kirby run) is that it retains the original characterization and quality. Take this issue by Doug Moench, in which Barda throws a party, which is as awesome as it sounds:

Things I love about this: 1) J'onn's civvies. 2) Ted uses his millions to buy designer lampshades for the purpose of partying. 3) Kil is confused about party lingo (and who is he talking to?). 4) Is Oberon hitting on Fire? That's the most random pairing I've seen since I read a JSA comic with Wildcat and Catwoman and started shipping them.

I'm not totally sure why, but Kilowog and Ted on the right there crack me up EVERY time. I think it's because everyone else is having a laid back evening chatting about stuff, while Ted just desperately wants to be at a rowdy party. Also, J'onn surrounded by women reminds me of the part in Formerly Known As the Justice League where Batman jokes that "Martian pheromones. The women go absolutely wild."

It's not a party until two feral Mr. Miracles with a hate-on for the JLA show up.

The party parts are amazing enough, but we're not even getting into the actual plot, which involves an Albanian noodle monster (EXACTLY what it sounds like) turning Mr. Miracle and his protege/mentee/not sure, Shilo, into feral monsters. Barda turns Scott back into himself by threatening to divorce him, but this still leaves the matter of the noodle monster. Guy, Ice, and Fire take care of him by, well...

For some reason "I should be al dente!" makes me laugh so hard. I'm not sure which my favourite villain solution is: this, or when Deadpool defeated Tasky by dancing.

Oh, and:

Next time I go to the Dance Cave, I'm going to do this move while shouting "Now you're doing the Blue Beetle Bump!" Trust me, that's not going to be the weirdest thing that ever happened at the Dance Cave.

I've never really looked at the background in any depth, but now that I have there are some things I like. Kilowog is apparently slow dancing with Mama Mound while everyone is dancing to what seems to be an upbeat song, that guy who I'm assuming is a New God over to the left, J'onn dancing by himself, and Guy making a platform appear for no other reason than that he probably just wants to be above everyone else, because that's the kind of amusing jerk that he is.

I've played piano for close to 15 years, and I have never seen that music symbol in the middle there that looks like it's a Chinese symbol. I'm going to assume that's some kind of Apokalips musical notation.

Guy/Ice OTP

I can only hope to write a headline as stupendous as "Cat-People Attack City" in my

future journalistic career.

I love Guy and Ice. Next to Barda/Mr. Miracle, they are the OTP I support the most. Despite their differences, they make a great pair, mainly because Ice brings out the best in Guy. BUT THEY CANNOT GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER. Every time I read something with them, they're fighting for some reason. Ice was dead, and then she comes back, and then they have a sweet reunion, and then Ice says she needs time, and he gives her time, and then she comes to Oa to visit him, and then they fight AGAIN. I JUST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY AND TOGETHER. They're my second most favourite canon pairing and I love them.

THANK YOU DICK. THAT WAS SO HELPFUL.

Peej and Wondy: Best teamup ever

No kidding he wasn't the best choice. He went to save everyone in the hospital and got shot IMMEDIATELY. The fate of the world is at stake here: couldn't you at least send Superman

or something?

Look at the death look. Make fun of Booster at your peril, Magog!

I loved this teamup a lot. Wonder Woman is calm, methodical, and patient. Peej just wants to get out there and punch someone in the face.

Guy only says he's the best because it's true

This is random, but I LOVE how Guy is always the main Lantern they use on Batman: The Brave and the Bold. Hal gets way too much exposure, I think.

Kilowog's kids are the most adorable things I have ever seen. Especially the little girl.

There's just something so cute about the Hulk carrying around pet coyotes. Also, this was probably the most depressing issue of anything I've ever read. I'm including Deadpool putting Al in the room with knives everywhere, any issue of Booster Gold that involves all the heroes dying, and the issue of Green Lantern that was basically just Kyle and alternate reality Alex talking about how the other one was dead in their respective universes.

The fastball special never gets old. I also love how every time anyone uses it, they put a different spin on it. Here and in She-Hulk (Shulkie's used it twice, now that I think about it) it's the woman throwing the man and in Runaways it's the (superpowered) 11 year old girl throwing the teenage guy.

The Lukey or the tiger?

Don't ever tell me Luke Cage isn't the most awesome hero of all time: HE PUNCHED

A TIGER IN THE NECK. The confused "ROWR?" is just the icing on the cake.

And here, in a nutshell, is why I love Joe Kelly as a writer: Plastic Man as Flash being crushed by his long lost son who has taken the shape of a giant dinosaur. The sound effect, coupled with the giant dinosaur rear end and just the boots showing is the best. That panel could not be more perfect.

There's so much about this that I love. Zatanna's no doubt hilarious story, Ollie and Clint's battle of the trick arrows (seen over Zatanna's head in panel 1), Shulkie cheering on arm wrestlers, and perhaps most of all, Guy being yelled for his dirty thoughts by Moondragon, who is probably stronger than he is, even with his power ring.

Sound Effect Mania

I've had a bunch of sound effect pictures saved for an epic post, and that time is TODAY, my friends!

Green Goblin is second only to T-Ray (and maybe Typhoid Mary) on my list of most hated villains, but he has some badass sound effects. BWOMF? Come on, that's awesome. If I ever write comic books, I would have so much fun making up the most random sound effects.

Plus I love puns.

Booster Gold/Donkey Kong crossover: SO WRONG, IT'S RIGHT.

I'm sorry, but I have NO IDEA what KRAKKA KRAKKA FOOM is supposed to sound like in real life. Maybe the FOOM part, but not the

KRAKKA KRAKKA.

Ditto for RRAKKOOOO. Half

the time I think the writers are just fucking with us with some of these sound effects.

PS: I like that Hal/Parallax says "Gnats" when something goes wrong.

Like RUMP? Come on, that's a noun, not a sound effect. Parenthetically, I have no idea what comic this is from. I should label my pictures better.

So that's the sound that grabbing a hidden recorder from a dbag in a weird looking wetsuit makes.

If you've ever wondered what it sounds like when your fake parents from another universe make a cake come into existence out of thin air...now you know.

On the other hand, this is a great representation of what it would sound like to get your heart removed by Zombie Ted.

Fred Van Lente is, hands down, the king of sound effects. Sproy bloom? It makes NO SENSE but it's AWESOME.

PS: This is my only exposure to Namora, and I LOVE HER despite the fact that she is for some reason in love with her cousin Namor, he of the Spock eyebrows and scaly Speedos.

Edit: Apparently Namor and Namora are NOT related by blood, making her crush less uncomfortable. I still ship Namora/Herc though.

In brightest day, in blackest night...

Today's dollar comic is entitled "Green Lantern: Return to Oa."

This Green Lantern comic is special for a few reasons. It was published in 1990, which makes it as old as I am. Secondly, I wasn’t really interested in it until I was flipping through trying to find the date and found out that Guy was in it! Guy Gardner, as I’ve stated several times before, is my absolute favourite Green Lantern. He’s a good guy underneath his asshole-ish exterior, and when he’s being an asshole, he’s one of those entertaining assholes. Plus I like to giggle at his haircut. Side note: I was reading some Blue Beetle scans on Scans_Daily and someone commented saying that Guy Gardner should be Milagro Reyes’ canon mentor. YES, that is the best idea ever. It would be an awesome comic if Milagro became a Green Lantern and then G’nort teamed up with her and Guy was their long suffering like, supervisor person.

Anyway.

The cover of the comic is unsettling, as there are no eyes visible behind Hal’s domino mask.

We begin with a little exposition. Something big happened and the Corps are reduced to three (one of those three better be G’nort.) Hal mentions travelling with a guardian called the Old Timer. The Old Timer is holding a Green Lantern prisoner, and towns in America are disappearing for whatever reason.

Hal gets hit by something, falls, and wakes up in Rose’s house. I think Rose is an old paramour or something. Then he gets freaked out because of something off panel going “Fish heads! Fish heads!” True story: when I was in grade 12, during the magazine campaign, one of our punishments for not reaching our goal was hearing the “fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads” song between every class. It was hell, so I had a minor PTSD attack when I read that. Hal puts on his mask, which starts glowing or something. I actually don’t know…does the mask have some sort of power? Someone please explain this to me.

Hal runs outside and a bunch of farmers (yes, because ALL FARMERS are xenophobic hicks) are attacking some kind of fishy alien with pitchforks (yes, because if farmers had to attack something, they always use pitchforks). True story: I was sitting in the house watching TV last night when I heard a weird, high pitched sound from outside. I was afraid coyotes (or possibly aliens) were attacking my dog Dallas. She’s like 12 and I knew she couldn’t fight off a coyote. So I grabbed a flashlight and a little axe and went off to fight the coyotes/aliens. I didn’t actually find any. My point: I live on a farm and my first instinct was not to grab a pitchfork to fight an intruder. ANYWAY, Hal saves the alien, who says he walked to earth.

I don’t really understand what happens next, but what it boils down to is that Old Timer is going crazy. Oh, I guess they were all transported to another planet. Rose freaks out because she has a loan for her farm and she doesn’t want to lose it.

I’ll be honest here. I have no idea what’s going on. Hal is flying through like, jellyfish and stuff and then he comes across John Stewart, who is trapped somehow. Then he’s fighting this big weird monster. This is such an acid trip. Hal can’t defend himself because this monster is shooting yellow lasers. WORST WEAKNESS EVER.

Old Timer shows up. He made this new planet and reveals that if he is threatened, the planet is destroyed. Old Timer says he just wants everyone to be happy, which is why he brought Hal to the planet to be with Rose. Old Timer does something and sends Hal back in time (or whatever? I don’t really know) and he wakes up at Rose’s, she repeats what she said before, except Hal is acting like a suburban dad.

Toby asks Hal if he can see a town out of the corner of his eye (the town the fish people came from) but Hal thinks it’s a game. He’s all, “we have a lot of farming to do!” Because apparently they went back to a time when farm machinery didn’t exist because he’s doing everything by hand. Rose has contracted a Southern accent that she definitely didn’t have before.

Hal’s ring does something funny and later in bed he’s all “I can’t believe I’m doing this, but what choice do I have?” Cut to…GUY GARDNER, who is watching Wheel of Fortune and insulting the contestants. His haircut really is horrendous. I do appreciate that Guy wears his costume and gloves 24/7, apparently. Guy makes some ungentlemanly comments about the female contestant’s assets and then Hal starts talking to him from his ring. Ha ha, best line from Guy (re: Wheel of Fortune): “This is an insult to my intelligence. Lemme see what’s on the Playboy channel.” Oh Guy. Never change. That’s pretty racy for a comic book directed at kids.

Turns out that Hal planted a command in his ring to wake him when the Old Timer’s thoughts were no longer monitoring his mind. Guy: “Gee Hal, you’re so slick.” Love that guy. Hal asks Guy to come to Oa. Guy gloats a little bit. “I oughta capture this on video - except I’d have to erase last night’s date.” Again, pretty racy for a kid’s comic. Guy doesn’t want to go. “Never went much for that outer space stuff. All the dames are weird colours.” Never stopped Kirk. Guy realizes Hal will owe him a favour and goes to help him.

Choice excerpts from the letters page:
“Gerard’s doing a good job of showing how three different men handle the responsibility of being a GL. One (Hal) is struggling, another (John) is searching for answers, and the third (Guy) is a putz.”
“The only problem I have is with Guy Gardner (who doesn’t?)”
Hey, here’s someone who feels about Guy the way I do!
“As always, Guy is great (but please don’t tell him I said so).”
Here’s something I thought was random:
“He seems to be having problems using the ring, especially against felines and superheroes.”
GL takes the prize for stupidest weaknesses, but felines?

Anyway, that was a pretty okay issue. I didn’t know what was going on half the time but it felt like the writers were on acid, which was interesting, plus GUY.