Wonder Twins/Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver
Both fulfill the role of: The Twins
Similarities:
-They are twins.
These four actually aren’t too similar, but there are one main set of twins in the DCU and the Marvel U, so I put them together. I also freely admit that all my knowledge of the Wonder Twins come from Superfriends, and they are easily the most enjoyable part of that show. In the Ultimate universe, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver are incestuous, and Scarlet Witch indirectly causes the deaths of Vision, Scott Lang, and Hawkeye, which is not cool.
Winner: Wonder Twins for DC.
Deathstroke/Deadpool
Both fulfill the role of: The Unbalanced Mercenary
Similarities:
-Mercenaries
-Unpredictable
-Slightly insane
-A little psychotic
This one’s a little harder. I legitimately love Deadpool and have read almost all of his various solo series, but Deathstroke is one of those that I love FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Although he killed a bunch of lions on Secret Six, which sucks. What did those lions do to you, Slade?* And his main adversaries are the Teen Titans, and really, how much of a loser do you have to be that you regularly fight a bunch of teenagers? Then again, Deadpool’s main adversary is T-Ray, who I hate with fire of a thousand suns. Even though I have to deal with T-Ray’s appearances every so often, Deadpool is just awesome. That’s all there is to it. He’s insane, he’s hilarious, but he also has depth which keeps him from being a relentlessly cartoonish character.
Winner: Deadpool for Marvel.
*Turns out it was just Deadshot, yet another interchangeable mercenary who never misses.
Green Arrow/Hawkeye
Both fulfill the role of: The Charming and Cocky Archer.
Similarities:
-Archers
-Cocky
-Womanizing
-Dickish
I don’t really know how to feel about Ollie. He’s definitely hilarious. There was one issue where he teamed up with Nightwing and repeatedly just reamed on him, calling him “Short Pants” and telling him to stop posing. In Superman/Batman Superman and Batman went to see him (to reassure themselves, it was after they got caught in this alternate reality, long story) and he was hilariously cranky. This shouldn’t really have an effect on my decision, but Ollie is easily my second favourite character on Batman: The Brave and the Bold (first is Jaime). On the other hand, Speedy got addicted to heroin and Ollie just got pissed at him and threw him out on the street. When Canary nursed him back to health, Ollie basically took credit for his recovery. And he cheated on Canary. CANARY. That woman wears leather and fishnets all the time. If you have her, you should do everything you can to keep her. I haven’t read much about Hawkeye, but what I have read (She-Hulk and Young Avengers) he’s pretty awesome. He was really sweet in She-Hulk and he’s a pretty good wisecracker. He was also very sweet in Young Avengers, and is probably the only adult hero who actually supported the Young Avengers, which was nice to see. Hawkeye’s probably the last hero I would have thought would want to serve as a mentor, but he was considering it. They both have ridiculously stupid costumes. Ollie’s got the Robin Hood thing going on, which is okay I guess, but I hate hate hate his facial hair. Hawkeye’s would be okay if he didn’t have that weird loincloth thing.
Winner: It’s a draw! On Ollie’s good days I like him better, but I can’t get over his treatment of Speedy and Canary. And Hawkeye was really quite good in Young Avengers.
Lois Lane/MJ Watson
Both fulfill the role of: The Love Interest
Similarities:
-Love interest of the most well-known hero in their respective universes.
-Both get kidnapped a lot.
-Took forever to learn their boyfriends’ superhero identities.
So I don’t actually know a whole lot about either of these two. Lois gets automatic points because she’s a journalist and so am I! MJ is an actress or some such. Both the relationships are sweet and stable. I have no idea if this is actually true, but I see MJ as more of a damsel in distress type. Both of them have been around for decades and by necessity, their personalities would have changed during that (if I recall, MJ used to be a bubble-headed party girl, which she really isn’t now). As such, Lois used to be a damsel in distress a lot too, but now from what I’ve read of her she’s pretty badass. She definitely unsettled Oracle in Birds of Prey and while she ended up losing that confrontation, it was still pretty awesome. Also, I love how she’s portrayed on Smallville. I don’t remember MJ ever being really awesome. She’s just kind of meh for me.
Winner: Lois Lane for DC.
And it’s another DC victory, but it was pretty close. I had no idea I liked this many DC characters more than Marvel characters. I expected it to be way more even.
This seems like a perfect time to recount one of the most random moments of my life. I was in Midtown mall in Saskatoon browsing the DVD sets in HMV when this guy comes up to me. I was looking at Stargate SG-1 at the time, and he’s like, “Do you like Smallville?” I’ve seen like the first six seasons but hadn’t watched it for a few years at that point. I’m like, “Yeah, I used to watch it.” Turns out he’s a tech guy from the set who was on vacation. He immediately launched into this lecture about the show, telling me about the actors and what they’re planning for the next season. He also went on and on about how nice Erica Durance is. It was pretty cool since I love TV and I like Smallville but to this day I have NO IDEA why he started talking to me. I mean, maybe if I was looking at Smallville DVDs, but I wasn’t. Maybe he was just hitting on me, but he was like forty. Does he just go up to random people like, “Hey, I’m a techie on Smallville” just so they can be impressed? It was the strangest thing that has ever happened to me.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Man, no arms AND he's in hell? That sucks.
It's kind of disgusting, but I find myself charmed by Hawkeye here. And you're all, "Well, YEAH, it's Clint, he's supposed to be charming." Nope, that's Bullseye. And now I feel unclean.
This is pretty hilarious in and of itself, but even more so when you figure out who that mysterious no-armed man is.
Believe it or not, people actually do this. I was a waitress for a very miserable two months of my life. True story: Every day, a group of old men came in for coffee or sometimes actual food. One guy wanted to order something and this is how the conversation went:
Man: (Point, mumble)
Me: Kid's fish and chips?
Man: Kid's stuff.
Me: Fish and chips?
Man: (indeterminate head gesture)
So I'm like, okay, whatever, put the order in. I give him his food, he eats everything, blah blah, then he waves me down and is like, "That was some delicious pizza!" I pretended I had no idea what he was trying to tell me so that I didn't have to deal with it. Basically, I got him the wrong thing, he ATE THE WHOLE THING, and then decided to bust my balls about it after. I mean seriously? If you just told me I brought you the wrong thing first off, I could have switched it. But then you ate the wrong thing and make me feel stupid, and nobody wins. Don't eat the whole thing and then bitch at me about the meal THAT YOU JUST ATE. Moral of the story: never, ever, be a server. It sucks.
In brightest day, in blackest night...
Today's dollar comic is entitled "Green Lantern: Return to Oa."
This Green Lantern comic is special for a few reasons. It was published in 1990, which makes it as old as I am. Secondly, I wasn’t really interested in it until I was flipping through trying to find the date and found out that Guy was in it! Guy Gardner, as I’ve stated several times before, is my absolute favourite Green Lantern. He’s a good guy underneath his asshole-ish exterior, and when he’s being an asshole, he’s one of those entertaining assholes. Plus I like to giggle at his haircut. Side note: I was reading some Blue Beetle scans on Scans_Daily and someone commented saying that Guy Gardner should be Milagro Reyes’ canon mentor. YES, that is the best idea ever. It would be an awesome comic if Milagro became a Green Lantern and then G’nort teamed up with her and Guy was their long suffering like, supervisor person.
Anyway.
The cover of the comic is unsettling, as there are no eyes visible behind Hal’s domino mask.
We begin with a little exposition. Something big happened and the Corps are reduced to three (one of those three better be G’nort.) Hal mentions travelling with a guardian called the Old Timer. The Old Timer is holding a Green Lantern prisoner, and towns in America are disappearing for whatever reason.
Hal gets hit by something, falls, and wakes up in Rose’s house. I think Rose is an old paramour or something. Then he gets freaked out because of something off panel going “Fish heads! Fish heads!” True story: when I was in grade 12, during the magazine campaign, one of our punishments for not reaching our goal was hearing the “fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads” song between every class. It was hell, so I had a minor PTSD attack when I read that. Hal puts on his mask, which starts glowing or something. I actually don’t know…does the mask have some sort of power? Someone please explain this to me.
Hal runs outside and a bunch of farmers (yes, because ALL FARMERS are xenophobic hicks) are attacking some kind of fishy alien with pitchforks (yes, because if farmers had to attack something, they always use pitchforks). True story: I was sitting in the house watching TV last night when I heard a weird, high pitched sound from outside. I was afraid coyotes (or possibly aliens) were attacking my dog Dallas. She’s like 12 and I knew she couldn’t fight off a coyote. So I grabbed a flashlight and a little axe and went off to fight the coyotes/aliens. I didn’t actually find any. My point: I live on a farm and my first instinct was not to grab a pitchfork to fight an intruder. ANYWAY, Hal saves the alien, who says he walked to earth.
I don’t really understand what happens next, but what it boils down to is that Old Timer is going crazy. Oh, I guess they were all transported to another planet. Rose freaks out because she has a loan for her farm and she doesn’t want to lose it.
I’ll be honest here. I have no idea what’s going on. Hal is flying through like, jellyfish and stuff and then he comes across John Stewart, who is trapped somehow. Then he’s fighting this big weird monster. This is such an acid trip. Hal can’t defend himself because this monster is shooting yellow lasers. WORST WEAKNESS EVER.
Old Timer shows up. He made this new planet and reveals that if he is threatened, the planet is destroyed. Old Timer says he just wants everyone to be happy, which is why he brought Hal to the planet to be with Rose. Old Timer does something and sends Hal back in time (or whatever? I don’t really know) and he wakes up at Rose’s, she repeats what she said before, except Hal is acting like a suburban dad.
Toby asks Hal if he can see a town out of the corner of his eye (the town the fish people came from) but Hal thinks it’s a game. He’s all, “we have a lot of farming to do!” Because apparently they went back to a time when farm machinery didn’t exist because he’s doing everything by hand. Rose has contracted a Southern accent that she definitely didn’t have before.
Hal’s ring does something funny and later in bed he’s all “I can’t believe I’m doing this, but what choice do I have?” Cut to…GUY GARDNER, who is watching Wheel of Fortune and insulting the contestants. His haircut really is horrendous. I do appreciate that Guy wears his costume and gloves 24/7, apparently. Guy makes some ungentlemanly comments about the female contestant’s assets and then Hal starts talking to him from his ring. Ha ha, best line from Guy (re: Wheel of Fortune): “This is an insult to my intelligence. Lemme see what’s on the Playboy channel.” Oh Guy. Never change. That’s pretty racy for a comic book directed at kids.
Turns out that Hal planted a command in his ring to wake him when the Old Timer’s thoughts were no longer monitoring his mind. Guy: “Gee Hal, you’re so slick.” Love that guy. Hal asks Guy to come to Oa. Guy gloats a little bit. “I oughta capture this on video - except I’d have to erase last night’s date.” Again, pretty racy for a kid’s comic. Guy doesn’t want to go. “Never went much for that outer space stuff. All the dames are weird colours.” Never stopped Kirk. Guy realizes Hal will owe him a favour and goes to help him.
Choice excerpts from the letters page:
“Gerard’s doing a good job of showing how three different men handle the responsibility of being a GL. One (Hal) is struggling, another (John) is searching for answers, and the third (Guy) is a putz.”
“The only problem I have is with Guy Gardner (who doesn’t?)”
Hey, here’s someone who feels about Guy the way I do!
“As always, Guy is great (but please don’t tell him I said so).”
Here’s something I thought was random:
“He seems to be having problems using the ring, especially against felines and superheroes.”
GL takes the prize for stupidest weaknesses, but felines?
Anyway, that was a pretty okay issue. I didn’t know what was going on half the time but it felt like the writers were on acid, which was interesting, plus GUY.
This Green Lantern comic is special for a few reasons. It was published in 1990, which makes it as old as I am. Secondly, I wasn’t really interested in it until I was flipping through trying to find the date and found out that Guy was in it! Guy Gardner, as I’ve stated several times before, is my absolute favourite Green Lantern. He’s a good guy underneath his asshole-ish exterior, and when he’s being an asshole, he’s one of those entertaining assholes. Plus I like to giggle at his haircut. Side note: I was reading some Blue Beetle scans on Scans_Daily and someone commented saying that Guy Gardner should be Milagro Reyes’ canon mentor. YES, that is the best idea ever. It would be an awesome comic if Milagro became a Green Lantern and then G’nort teamed up with her and Guy was their long suffering like, supervisor person.
Anyway.
The cover of the comic is unsettling, as there are no eyes visible behind Hal’s domino mask.
We begin with a little exposition. Something big happened and the Corps are reduced to three (one of those three better be G’nort.) Hal mentions travelling with a guardian called the Old Timer. The Old Timer is holding a Green Lantern prisoner, and towns in America are disappearing for whatever reason.
Hal gets hit by something, falls, and wakes up in Rose’s house. I think Rose is an old paramour or something. Then he gets freaked out because of something off panel going “Fish heads! Fish heads!” True story: when I was in grade 12, during the magazine campaign, one of our punishments for not reaching our goal was hearing the “fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads” song between every class. It was hell, so I had a minor PTSD attack when I read that. Hal puts on his mask, which starts glowing or something. I actually don’t know…does the mask have some sort of power? Someone please explain this to me.
Hal runs outside and a bunch of farmers (yes, because ALL FARMERS are xenophobic hicks) are attacking some kind of fishy alien with pitchforks (yes, because if farmers had to attack something, they always use pitchforks). True story: I was sitting in the house watching TV last night when I heard a weird, high pitched sound from outside. I was afraid coyotes (or possibly aliens) were attacking my dog Dallas. She’s like 12 and I knew she couldn’t fight off a coyote. So I grabbed a flashlight and a little axe and went off to fight the coyotes/aliens. I didn’t actually find any. My point: I live on a farm and my first instinct was not to grab a pitchfork to fight an intruder. ANYWAY, Hal saves the alien, who says he walked to earth.
I don’t really understand what happens next, but what it boils down to is that Old Timer is going crazy. Oh, I guess they were all transported to another planet. Rose freaks out because she has a loan for her farm and she doesn’t want to lose it.
I’ll be honest here. I have no idea what’s going on. Hal is flying through like, jellyfish and stuff and then he comes across John Stewart, who is trapped somehow. Then he’s fighting this big weird monster. This is such an acid trip. Hal can’t defend himself because this monster is shooting yellow lasers. WORST WEAKNESS EVER.
Old Timer shows up. He made this new planet and reveals that if he is threatened, the planet is destroyed. Old Timer says he just wants everyone to be happy, which is why he brought Hal to the planet to be with Rose. Old Timer does something and sends Hal back in time (or whatever? I don’t really know) and he wakes up at Rose’s, she repeats what she said before, except Hal is acting like a suburban dad.
Toby asks Hal if he can see a town out of the corner of his eye (the town the fish people came from) but Hal thinks it’s a game. He’s all, “we have a lot of farming to do!” Because apparently they went back to a time when farm machinery didn’t exist because he’s doing everything by hand. Rose has contracted a Southern accent that she definitely didn’t have before.
Hal’s ring does something funny and later in bed he’s all “I can’t believe I’m doing this, but what choice do I have?” Cut to…GUY GARDNER, who is watching Wheel of Fortune and insulting the contestants. His haircut really is horrendous. I do appreciate that Guy wears his costume and gloves 24/7, apparently. Guy makes some ungentlemanly comments about the female contestant’s assets and then Hal starts talking to him from his ring. Ha ha, best line from Guy (re: Wheel of Fortune): “This is an insult to my intelligence. Lemme see what’s on the Playboy channel.” Oh Guy. Never change. That’s pretty racy for a comic book directed at kids.
Turns out that Hal planted a command in his ring to wake him when the Old Timer’s thoughts were no longer monitoring his mind. Guy: “Gee Hal, you’re so slick.” Love that guy. Hal asks Guy to come to Oa. Guy gloats a little bit. “I oughta capture this on video - except I’d have to erase last night’s date.” Again, pretty racy for a kid’s comic. Guy doesn’t want to go. “Never went much for that outer space stuff. All the dames are weird colours.” Never stopped Kirk. Guy realizes Hal will owe him a favour and goes to help him.
Choice excerpts from the letters page:
“Gerard’s doing a good job of showing how three different men handle the responsibility of being a GL. One (Hal) is struggling, another (John) is searching for answers, and the third (Guy) is a putz.”
“The only problem I have is with Guy Gardner (who doesn’t?)”
Hey, here’s someone who feels about Guy the way I do!
“As always, Guy is great (but please don’t tell him I said so).”
Here’s something I thought was random:
“He seems to be having problems using the ring, especially against felines and superheroes.”
GL takes the prize for stupidest weaknesses, but felines?
Anyway, that was a pretty okay issue. I didn’t know what was going on half the time but it felt like the writers were on acid, which was interesting, plus GUY.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Comic Themed Dreams
Yes, double post today. Here's how much of a geek I am sometimes...I dreamed about both Lobo AND Dr. Doom last night! My Lobo dream made less sense, so I'll talk about it first:
For some reason I was underground and I had to get something, but Lobo was hired to stop me from doing whatever I had to do (that part's hazy). For some reason Gwyneth Paltrow was helping him. Then my sister (not my actual sister, just a fictional character who was my sister in my dream) and I were disguised as geishas and then I threw a fan at Lobo and it cut his throat (I guess I was some kind of geisha/Bullseye hybrid). So anyway, after that I was me and my sister was my sister and the geishas were separate people. It was confusing. After that I don't remember much except running, and there was a LOT of falling into holes (maybe this was the same universe as the ET video game). Then we had to team up with Lobo and we became friends. Then we got out from the underground labyrinth and Lobo was giving me piggyback rides and I wanted him to meet my mom.
In my Dr. Doom dream, I was back in Toronto and I was part of some kind of superhero team that included my brother. We were in a grocery store for some reason and someone informed me I got a call. In my dream, I remember thinking, "It's Dr. Doom, please let it be Dr. Doom" and it WAS and then I started fangirling, like, "YOU GUYS! I'M TALKING TO DR. DOOM!" He sounded exactly like the Dr. Doom from the Fantastic Four cartoon. He informed me that he kidnapped a member of our team and we had to bring him this particular type of pear and then find our teammate. The pear was like a "Gardo" pear or something, and we couldn't find it. So we're searching the grocery store and I finally found one and we went to give it to Dr. Doom, except apparently I misheard him and he actually wanted a completely different kind of pear. So we're searching downtown Toronto for this pear and then we were in the desert and Doom was crawling towards me because he was dying of thirst and I gave him the Gardo pear and saved his life. He still didn't give us our teammate back though. Then I woke up.
For some reason I was underground and I had to get something, but Lobo was hired to stop me from doing whatever I had to do (that part's hazy). For some reason Gwyneth Paltrow was helping him. Then my sister (not my actual sister, just a fictional character who was my sister in my dream) and I were disguised as geishas and then I threw a fan at Lobo and it cut his throat (I guess I was some kind of geisha/Bullseye hybrid). So anyway, after that I was me and my sister was my sister and the geishas were separate people. It was confusing. After that I don't remember much except running, and there was a LOT of falling into holes (maybe this was the same universe as the ET video game). Then we had to team up with Lobo and we became friends. Then we got out from the underground labyrinth and Lobo was giving me piggyback rides and I wanted him to meet my mom.
In my Dr. Doom dream, I was back in Toronto and I was part of some kind of superhero team that included my brother. We were in a grocery store for some reason and someone informed me I got a call. In my dream, I remember thinking, "It's Dr. Doom, please let it be Dr. Doom" and it WAS and then I started fangirling, like, "YOU GUYS! I'M TALKING TO DR. DOOM!" He sounded exactly like the Dr. Doom from the Fantastic Four cartoon. He informed me that he kidnapped a member of our team and we had to bring him this particular type of pear and then find our teammate. The pear was like a "Gardo" pear or something, and we couldn't find it. So we're searching the grocery store and I finally found one and we went to give it to Dr. Doom, except apparently I misheard him and he actually wanted a completely different kind of pear. So we're searching downtown Toronto for this pear and then we were in the desert and Doom was crawling towards me because he was dying of thirst and I gave him the Gardo pear and saved his life. He still didn't give us our teammate back though. Then I woke up.
They say that cat Shaft's a bad mother-SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I'm just talking bout Youngblood
My favourite used bookstore in the Annex just added a third floor of graphic novels, so I went to check it out. They have some awesome stuff (and a great selection of used piano books) but my favourite part was a selection of five random comic books for a buck. I picked one of the packs solely because it contained Youngblood issue 1 (or as it says on the cover, “1ST EXCITING ISSUE”). It was released in 1992. The cover alone is magnificent.
I don’t really know many of the names. Bedrock, the huge dude in the back, is like as wide across as I am tall. I don’t know what those are on his shoulders. Old Man on the left there has mutton chops to rival the venerable Isaac Asimov’s. I do not for the life of me understand the Phantom of the Opera mask the dude on the right is sporting. What is its purpose? How is it staying on? The ginger’s thighs are ENORMOUS. And then his legs get super thin and then his shins look like someone stuffed a basketball down his pants. It’s amazing.
Inside they have a helpful guide to the names. The big guy is Bedrock, presumably because he’s made of rock. The old guy is Combat, because he engages in combat. The black guy is Chapel because…um…I got nothing. The token girl is Vogue, because she reads Vogue? The Deadpool-ish robot guy is called Diehard, because he likes Bruce Willis. The ginger is called Shaft, because he is obviously a black detective.
Each comic has a little character card. Mine is Vogue. She is apparently a Russian defector who is trained in gymnastics and martial arts. She likes to use throwing knives and shurikens. Yes, shurikens are obviously Russian, why do you ask? In her civilian identity, she runs a cosmetics empire. You can tell she is a cosmetics expert because of her face paint, obvi.
The first page contracts a tragic case of the Mark Trail disease of misplaced word balloons. Shaft (aka Jeff) is out with his girlfriend. Here’s the dialogue on the first panel according to where the word balloons are:
A tile on the floor: I’m actually shopping on my lunch hour with my boyfriend. Unbelievable!
The railing of a bridge: Believe it, Shelly. I told the guys back at the office that paperwork would wait.
Then in the next panel, Jeff appears to be having a conversation with himself while his girlfriend looks on, bemused. Shelly shoehorns into the conversation that she is an assistant DA. Presumably Jeff is some sort of detective.
A purse snatcher runs through the mall and Jeff leaps over…something, with a rainbow background. I wish I had the scanning technology so you could see this panel, but it’s magnificent. His right leg looks like it’s broken. His left leg looks like it was lopped off below the knee and the (now kidney bean shaped) foot was reattached to the knee. He leaps down some stairs and tackles the purse snatcher, who is now about two feet tall.
A man with a gun is on the balcony, aiming his gun that looks nothing like any gun I’ve ever seen at Shaft. He notices the sniper and throws a pen backwards (or something, the contradicting motion lines make this hard to figure out). The rainbow background is back. The pen hits the sniper in the throat and somehow knocks him backwards off the balcony, even though he was facing the railing. So I guess he was shooting at a spider behind him, or something.
Everyone wants to talk to Shaft, despite the fact that he just killed a man. It appears he breaks out in some kind of ballet dance move. He is hounded by journalists (of course, because journalists are always EVIL BAD VULTURES HURRRRR) and Shaft goes, “The press? The body isn’t even cold!” Yeah, when you just killed the dude, you don’t get the right to judge others.
Shaft has some pretty intense cheekbones. Like it looks like someone slashed his face. Shaft breaks out some dance moves again because someone is calling him on the Youngblood communicator.
I would never have noticed this if I didn’t read it on a website somewhere, but Rob Liefeld really, really hates feet. They are always either blocked from view or very tiny.
Now we switch to Bedrock, who is eating what looks like that weird green potion thing from Troll 2. Diehard telepathically (or something) figures out they need him and flies off. Chapel is in bed with a girl, and the whole sequence is very confusing, but it’s explained well here.
Shaft asks what’s going on and Anonymous Mission Control Girl informs them that their transport vehicles are under attack and yells by who: “IT’S STRONGARM AND GAGE!!! THE FOUR!” You know it’s serious because everyone has their teeth clenched SO HARD.
I got all excited because I thought Juggernaut was attacking Youngblood, except he’s not. Sad. His thigh is wider than his waist. Has Liefeld even seen a human being? I understand the urge to make your men manly; it’s a comic book, go for it. But at least make them proportionate. I promise, it’s possible. Off the top of my head, Ed McGuinness and Jim Lee can both manage it.
Two generic villains show up. One has a long ponytail that is waving around like Medusa’s snakes. I can’t even describe the girls villain’s outfit but here are some phrases for you: canary yellow, shoulder pads, and thunder thighs.
Anyway, Diehard attacks Juggernaut-lite and I can’t really describe what he’s doing. He leaps from above and kind of twists himself into a U. His legs are bent back way farther than they should be. In the next panel, his leg appears to be approximately two miles long. The next page features a very unappealing splash of Youngblood and some dudes with fat thighs in the back.
There’s another half to this book, but I can’t face it right now. True story: when I went to write “this” just now I accidentally wrote “shi” and then stopped. Freudian slip, I guess.
I don’t really know many of the names. Bedrock, the huge dude in the back, is like as wide across as I am tall. I don’t know what those are on his shoulders. Old Man on the left there has mutton chops to rival the venerable Isaac Asimov’s. I do not for the life of me understand the Phantom of the Opera mask the dude on the right is sporting. What is its purpose? How is it staying on? The ginger’s thighs are ENORMOUS. And then his legs get super thin and then his shins look like someone stuffed a basketball down his pants. It’s amazing.
Inside they have a helpful guide to the names. The big guy is Bedrock, presumably because he’s made of rock. The old guy is Combat, because he engages in combat. The black guy is Chapel because…um…I got nothing. The token girl is Vogue, because she reads Vogue? The Deadpool-ish robot guy is called Diehard, because he likes Bruce Willis. The ginger is called Shaft, because he is obviously a black detective.
Each comic has a little character card. Mine is Vogue. She is apparently a Russian defector who is trained in gymnastics and martial arts. She likes to use throwing knives and shurikens. Yes, shurikens are obviously Russian, why do you ask? In her civilian identity, she runs a cosmetics empire. You can tell she is a cosmetics expert because of her face paint, obvi.
The first page contracts a tragic case of the Mark Trail disease of misplaced word balloons. Shaft (aka Jeff) is out with his girlfriend. Here’s the dialogue on the first panel according to where the word balloons are:
A tile on the floor: I’m actually shopping on my lunch hour with my boyfriend. Unbelievable!
The railing of a bridge: Believe it, Shelly. I told the guys back at the office that paperwork would wait.
Then in the next panel, Jeff appears to be having a conversation with himself while his girlfriend looks on, bemused. Shelly shoehorns into the conversation that she is an assistant DA. Presumably Jeff is some sort of detective.
A purse snatcher runs through the mall and Jeff leaps over…something, with a rainbow background. I wish I had the scanning technology so you could see this panel, but it’s magnificent. His right leg looks like it’s broken. His left leg looks like it was lopped off below the knee and the (now kidney bean shaped) foot was reattached to the knee. He leaps down some stairs and tackles the purse snatcher, who is now about two feet tall.
A man with a gun is on the balcony, aiming his gun that looks nothing like any gun I’ve ever seen at Shaft. He notices the sniper and throws a pen backwards (or something, the contradicting motion lines make this hard to figure out). The rainbow background is back. The pen hits the sniper in the throat and somehow knocks him backwards off the balcony, even though he was facing the railing. So I guess he was shooting at a spider behind him, or something.
Everyone wants to talk to Shaft, despite the fact that he just killed a man. It appears he breaks out in some kind of ballet dance move. He is hounded by journalists (of course, because journalists are always EVIL BAD VULTURES HURRRRR) and Shaft goes, “The press? The body isn’t even cold!” Yeah, when you just killed the dude, you don’t get the right to judge others.
Shaft has some pretty intense cheekbones. Like it looks like someone slashed his face. Shaft breaks out some dance moves again because someone is calling him on the Youngblood communicator.
I would never have noticed this if I didn’t read it on a website somewhere, but Rob Liefeld really, really hates feet. They are always either blocked from view or very tiny.
Now we switch to Bedrock, who is eating what looks like that weird green potion thing from Troll 2. Diehard telepathically (or something) figures out they need him and flies off. Chapel is in bed with a girl, and the whole sequence is very confusing, but it’s explained well here.
Shaft asks what’s going on and Anonymous Mission Control Girl informs them that their transport vehicles are under attack and yells by who: “IT’S STRONGARM AND GAGE!!! THE FOUR!” You know it’s serious because everyone has their teeth clenched SO HARD.
I got all excited because I thought Juggernaut was attacking Youngblood, except he’s not. Sad. His thigh is wider than his waist. Has Liefeld even seen a human being? I understand the urge to make your men manly; it’s a comic book, go for it. But at least make them proportionate. I promise, it’s possible. Off the top of my head, Ed McGuinness and Jim Lee can both manage it.
Two generic villains show up. One has a long ponytail that is waving around like Medusa’s snakes. I can’t even describe the girls villain’s outfit but here are some phrases for you: canary yellow, shoulder pads, and thunder thighs.
Anyway, Diehard attacks Juggernaut-lite and I can’t really describe what he’s doing. He leaps from above and kind of twists himself into a U. His legs are bent back way farther than they should be. In the next panel, his leg appears to be approximately two miles long. The next page features a very unappealing splash of Youngblood and some dudes with fat thighs in the back.
There’s another half to this book, but I can’t face it right now. True story: when I went to write “this” just now I accidentally wrote “shi” and then stopped. Freudian slip, I guess.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Counterparts
I've noticed that DC and Marvel tend to have counterparts of each other. The characters may not be exactly the same, but they fulfill the same role. In the next few days, I'm going to compare some and declare who is better.
Lobo/Punisher
They both fulfill the role of: The Ultra Violent Scary Man
Similarities:
-Look out for themselves
-One of the most feared men in their respective universes
-Brawny
-Ruthless and violent
Punisher is the stricter definition of the word “badass.” Everyone is scared of this dude. Everyone. Even dudes with healing factors. When he shows up, the comic gets serious. He is also human, which makes him more badass. From what I’ve read, he’s gone up against Alex Hayden, Outlaw, Deadpool (?) and the Runaways. He is probably the most serious Marvel character. Lobo, on the other hand, is supposed to be a caricature of the 90ss antihero, while Punisher is an unironic dark antihero. Lobo is so over the top he becomes cartoonish. He refers to himself in the third person as “the main man” which I love. He also has crazy red eyes and facial hair. I prefer him because I find him to be funnier. His appearance in Blue Beetle made that issue one of my favourites.
Winner: Lobo for DC.
Barda/She-Hulk
They both fulfill the role of: The Fun Female Bruiser
Similarities:
-Very tall
-Very strong
-Fun at parties
Barda is a female Fury from Apokalips who escaped, married Mister Miracle, and attempts to live a normal life. She is easily one of the strongest and bravest members of the JLA. Whenever she appears in a comic, it is awesome. No exceptions. She was the best part of the revamped Birds of Prey. She-Hulk is also cool. I can’t say that whenever she appears it is awesome, but that’s only because I’ve read way more She-Hulk than I have Barda. She-Hulk is interesting because she was changed so drastically (as a result of a blood transfusion from Bruce Banner) but it actually made her life better. She would be slightly more fun than Barda at a party. I have to give it to Barda for a few reasons. One, her relationship with Scott is the best relationship in comics. Two, I recently read a comic in which She-Hulk kinda sorta regretted not fucking her cousin the Hulk (slightly makes sense in context…but also not). Three, She-Hulk is overly angst-y sometimes whereas Barda never is.
Winner: Barda for DC.
Guy Gardner/Wolverine
Both fulfill the role of: The Short-Tempered Brawler
Similarities:
-Short-tempered (obviously)
-Confrontational
-Strategy is not a strong suit
Guy is my favourite Green Lantern. He fucking loves being a superhero, and that’s really refreshing. His relationship with Ice is also very, very sweet. However, he loses points for the worst haircut in comics. He’s up against Wolverine though, so that’s not saying much. I like Guy because he also shows his softer side every so often (with Jaime Reyes and Ice). I can’t say anything about Wolverine that hasn't already been said, except that I have never really liked him as much as everyone else seems to. However, he’s always funny when he shows up in other comics because he’s so grumpy. His confrontation with Molly in Runaways and the time he explained the fastball special to She-Hulk were both hilarious. Both have really good voice actors (on Batman: The Brave and the Bold and Wolverine and the X-Men). I’m giving this to Guy though. One, his relationship with Ice, as I said, is very sweet. Two, he was never not awesome in Blue Beetle. Three, ONE PUNCH.
Winner: Guy Gardner for DC.
Krypto the Superdog/Monkey Joe the squirrel
They both fulfill the role of: The Pet
Similarities:
-They are not human.
Krypto has a little cape and he was drawn beautifully by Francis Manapul. Also, he lifted a car with his teeth. HOWEVER, Monkey Joe fought Doctor Doom and won and was eventually killed by a leather fetishist Doom impersonator. I think we all know who has to take the prize.
Winner: Monkey Joe for Marvel.
Today was clearly a DC win, with only the victory of Squirrel Girl’s Monkey Joe keeping this from being a complete landslide. Tune in at a later date when we compare:
Deathstroke/Deadpool
Green Arrow/Hawkeye
Lois Lane/MJ Watson
Wonder Twins/Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver
Lobo/Punisher
They both fulfill the role of: The Ultra Violent Scary Man
Similarities:
-Look out for themselves
-One of the most feared men in their respective universes
-Brawny
-Ruthless and violent
Punisher is the stricter definition of the word “badass.” Everyone is scared of this dude. Everyone. Even dudes with healing factors. When he shows up, the comic gets serious. He is also human, which makes him more badass. From what I’ve read, he’s gone up against Alex Hayden, Outlaw, Deadpool (?) and the Runaways. He is probably the most serious Marvel character. Lobo, on the other hand, is supposed to be a caricature of the 90ss antihero, while Punisher is an unironic dark antihero. Lobo is so over the top he becomes cartoonish. He refers to himself in the third person as “the main man” which I love. He also has crazy red eyes and facial hair. I prefer him because I find him to be funnier. His appearance in Blue Beetle made that issue one of my favourites.
Winner: Lobo for DC.
Barda/She-Hulk
They both fulfill the role of: The Fun Female Bruiser
Similarities:
-Very tall
-Very strong
-Fun at parties
Barda is a female Fury from Apokalips who escaped, married Mister Miracle, and attempts to live a normal life. She is easily one of the strongest and bravest members of the JLA. Whenever she appears in a comic, it is awesome. No exceptions. She was the best part of the revamped Birds of Prey. She-Hulk is also cool. I can’t say that whenever she appears it is awesome, but that’s only because I’ve read way more She-Hulk than I have Barda. She-Hulk is interesting because she was changed so drastically (as a result of a blood transfusion from Bruce Banner) but it actually made her life better. She would be slightly more fun than Barda at a party. I have to give it to Barda for a few reasons. One, her relationship with Scott is the best relationship in comics. Two, I recently read a comic in which She-Hulk kinda sorta regretted not fucking her cousin the Hulk (slightly makes sense in context…but also not). Three, She-Hulk is overly angst-y sometimes whereas Barda never is.
Winner: Barda for DC.
Guy Gardner/Wolverine
Both fulfill the role of: The Short-Tempered Brawler
Similarities:
-Short-tempered (obviously)
-Confrontational
-Strategy is not a strong suit
Guy is my favourite Green Lantern. He fucking loves being a superhero, and that’s really refreshing. His relationship with Ice is also very, very sweet. However, he loses points for the worst haircut in comics. He’s up against Wolverine though, so that’s not saying much. I like Guy because he also shows his softer side every so often (with Jaime Reyes and Ice). I can’t say anything about Wolverine that hasn't already been said, except that I have never really liked him as much as everyone else seems to. However, he’s always funny when he shows up in other comics because he’s so grumpy. His confrontation with Molly in Runaways and the time he explained the fastball special to She-Hulk were both hilarious. Both have really good voice actors (on Batman: The Brave and the Bold and Wolverine and the X-Men). I’m giving this to Guy though. One, his relationship with Ice, as I said, is very sweet. Two, he was never not awesome in Blue Beetle. Three, ONE PUNCH.
Winner: Guy Gardner for DC.
Krypto the Superdog/Monkey Joe the squirrel
They both fulfill the role of: The Pet
Similarities:
-They are not human.
Krypto has a little cape and he was drawn beautifully by Francis Manapul. Also, he lifted a car with his teeth. HOWEVER, Monkey Joe fought Doctor Doom and won and was eventually killed by a leather fetishist Doom impersonator. I think we all know who has to take the prize.
Winner: Monkey Joe for Marvel.
Today was clearly a DC win, with only the victory of Squirrel Girl’s Monkey Joe keeping this from being a complete landslide. Tune in at a later date when we compare:
Deathstroke/Deadpool
Green Arrow/Hawkeye
Lois Lane/MJ Watson
Wonder Twins/Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I don't even really like Wolverine that much
You guys, I just realized that we got Teletoon Retro and I was bored so I watched Superfriends.
It's pretty much the best show ever. In the episode that I watched, three of Superman's villains escape from the Phantom Zone and then proceed to trap the Superfriends in the Phantom Zone in their quest to get revenge on Superman. Here are the highlights:
-Robin's dialogue, which is 99% "Holy ________, Batman!" Also, his shorts.
-The fact that Wonder Woman has an invisible plane, only it doesn't make her invisible so on clear days you can see Wonder Woman zooming around in a sitting position.
-Aquaman's presence, because he does nothing of note.
-A giant octopus thing that attacks the Superfriends in the Phantom Zone, only they just...kind of stand there.
-The Supermobile, which uses giant arms to pick stuff up.
-Superman's random powers, that I don't think are actually canon.
-The music. I'm not even being sarcastic! It's actually really good.
-The villains' plan to sink Australia into the sea, which just consists of them flying up and then crashing into the earth.
-The Wonder Twins' random presence. When the rest of the Superfriends go out, they basically just kind of watch everything. Also, the Superfriends consist of the biggest heroes (and sidekick) in the DCU, and yet...why are the Wonder Twins even there?
-The Wonder Twins' plans to save the heroes. Basically, it is this. Jayna goes, "Form of...Wonder Horse!" and Zan goes, "Form of...ice saddle!" and then they fly to where the villains are. Zan goes, "Form of...liquid nitrogen!" and just spits a bunch of liquid nitrogen at the villains, who get frozen in ice. Jayna is so happy she licks her brother's face, which melts the ice block instantly. It's all very scientific.
I also watched Spider-Man. I don't remember much, except there's a villain who laughs really weird, and the line, "We have to blot Blotto before he blots us!" Oh, and my favourite part. The villain can make people freeze (or something, wasn't really paying attention) so Spider-Man pretends to be frozen. While the villain is gloating, Spidey punches him right in the face. It's genuinely awesome.
I read this book and FYI, it totally romanticizes running away. This kid randomly decides to live in the mountains. If I recall, he has no trouble surviving and his family just...lets him live in the wilderness.
Luke demonstrates the best way to deal with criminals.
Side note: God knows I didn't like his yellow shirt and tiara, but now that he decides to not wear a costume, I have no idea who he is whenever he shows up. He was in Runaways, and I'm like, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?" They don't need to give him a costume or anything, but if he always wore a wife beater or something, it would be a lot easier.
Even Tony knows that Wolverine is way too ubiquitous for his own good.
It's pretty much the best show ever. In the episode that I watched, three of Superman's villains escape from the Phantom Zone and then proceed to trap the Superfriends in the Phantom Zone in their quest to get revenge on Superman. Here are the highlights:
-Robin's dialogue, which is 99% "Holy ________, Batman!" Also, his shorts.
-The fact that Wonder Woman has an invisible plane, only it doesn't make her invisible so on clear days you can see Wonder Woman zooming around in a sitting position.
-Aquaman's presence, because he does nothing of note.
-A giant octopus thing that attacks the Superfriends in the Phantom Zone, only they just...kind of stand there.
-The Supermobile, which uses giant arms to pick stuff up.
-Superman's random powers, that I don't think are actually canon.
-The music. I'm not even being sarcastic! It's actually really good.
-The villains' plan to sink Australia into the sea, which just consists of them flying up and then crashing into the earth.
-The Wonder Twins' random presence. When the rest of the Superfriends go out, they basically just kind of watch everything. Also, the Superfriends consist of the biggest heroes (and sidekick) in the DCU, and yet...why are the Wonder Twins even there?
-The Wonder Twins' plans to save the heroes. Basically, it is this. Jayna goes, "Form of...Wonder Horse!" and Zan goes, "Form of...ice saddle!" and then they fly to where the villains are. Zan goes, "Form of...liquid nitrogen!" and just spits a bunch of liquid nitrogen at the villains, who get frozen in ice. Jayna is so happy she licks her brother's face, which melts the ice block instantly. It's all very scientific.
I also watched Spider-Man. I don't remember much, except there's a villain who laughs really weird, and the line, "We have to blot Blotto before he blots us!" Oh, and my favourite part. The villain can make people freeze (or something, wasn't really paying attention) so Spider-Man pretends to be frozen. While the villain is gloating, Spidey punches him right in the face. It's genuinely awesome.
I read this book and FYI, it totally romanticizes running away. This kid randomly decides to live in the mountains. If I recall, he has no trouble surviving and his family just...lets him live in the wilderness.
Luke demonstrates the best way to deal with criminals.
Side note: God knows I didn't like his yellow shirt and tiara, but now that he decides to not wear a costume, I have no idea who he is whenever he shows up. He was in Runaways, and I'm like, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?" They don't need to give him a costume or anything, but if he always wore a wife beater or something, it would be a lot easier.
Even Tony knows that Wolverine is way too ubiquitous for his own good.
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