My Least Favourite Costumes

If you really think about it, superhero costumes are ridiculous. Can you imagine actually WEARING some of that shit, or what it would look like on an actual human being? Yeah. But, some are worse than others. Way worse.

Plastic Man

We'll start of with the worst of the worst, which is Plastic Man's costume. I love that dude. Whenever he shows up, things get fun. Like Wonder Woman, Superman/Batman (where he was pretty heroic) and Batman: The Brave and the Bold. But his costume is horrendous. It's like wearing a speedo all the time. Number 1, that's gotta be uncomfortable. Number 2, PLEASE PLAS, THINK OF THE CHILDREN. And then there's the slit in the front with the tie up. Um, it's doubtful even a GIRL could pull that off, forget a guy. He has some classic douchey white sunglasses too, but I think they fit his personality. I hope to God they never make a live action Plas because I could only watch between the slits in my fingers.

Donna Troy

Donna's outfit looks like she went to a Dazzler concert and tried to emulate her style. What she failed to realize was that no one wants to be like Dazzler. Her sparkly jumpsuit is so disco and dated. And I KNOW she has style, because her Wonder Woman costume made it to the list of my favourite costumes.

Robin

The early Robin costume (worn by Dick Grayson and Jason Todd) is awful. I don't even know what material the shorts are made out of...it looks like alligator skin or something. Did Batman design it? And what was going through his mind when he did so? The pixie boots make him look like an idiot and I'm not really a huge fan of the collar on the cape either. Say what you will about Marvel, but they have NEVER subjected us to as much man leg as DC has.

Iron Fist

Oh, Iron Fist. Where to begin? The gigantic collar, the genie pants, the half mask, the sashes…but the worst is definitely HIS YELLOW FLATS. They’re actually cute shoes…FOR A GIRL. I was thinking about how to change his costume so it was still recognizable but so that it wasn’t as horrifying. My solution is to keep the collar but fill in the low neckline and then put on a full mask. And put on some boots or something, for the love of God. Those shoes are just embarrassing.

I still don't understand his power. Can he just punch really hard? But just with the one fist?

Catman

Hint: do not search Catman on Google images. What you see there will haunt you forever.
I am very fond of Catman and he is my favourite member of the Secret Six. His costume style isn't terrible, if a bit generic. But it seems like a ripoff of both Batman and Catwoman's costumes (fitting, I guess, since he was originally supposed to be a ripoff of Batman). But I could live with that, if the colours weren't so simultaneously horrifying and bland together.

Luke Cage

Ahh, the 70s. Where a man could wear a puffy sleeved yellow shirt and a tiara, and he was still feared by criminals. I'm not altogether fond of his "costume" or whatever now, either. It's a wifebeater and jeans I think, which is okay but it would be nice if there was some way to distinguish him as a member of the Avengers.

Power Girl

If you search for Power Girl on Google, almost all the pictures look SO PORNY.

Yes, this is mainly because of the boob window. I read somewhere that the reason she had it was because she couldn't think of a logo, so she just left it blank. I'm so sure. It's not like the logo just fits in there and doesn't have to be attached to fabric or anything. ANYWAY. The boob window is stupid and I'm not a fan of her boots.

There's something about the colour scheme that I like though. The blue is really nice. And I like the gloves on her too, for some reason. Although I'm not generally a fan of gloves.

Blue Beetle (Dan Garrett)

Dan's costume isn't terrible, but the red on top reminds me of a rooster's comb and I hate chickens, so I have this deep visceral reaction to it. I've had dreams about the chickens forming an army and storming the house.

Mr. Terrific

If he was the third smartest man in the world, he wouldn't think that costume was a good idea.

Look, I don’t even know. He has that bizarre face mask thing JUST LIKE whatshisface from Youngblood. Why would two people think that was a good idea? And his jacket that says stuff like, “Fair play” and has his name on the back, like some kind of weirdo letterman jacket. I wasn’t even aware of his existence until he randomly showed up in Wonder Woman and confused me greatly.

Black Canary

No one's happier than me that you've discovered modesty, Dinah, but GEEZ.
While there are issues with her traditional costume, Dinah makes the list because of her brief costume redesign in the 80s. According to Wikipedia, it has a "bird motif" except I can't see anything bird-like except the fact that it makes me want to vomit like a bird vomiting up worms for its offspring. It's...JUST LOOK AT IT. There are no words.

Costumes I Like

You know how when you see a complete badass character doing something awesomely badass, and it just makes you so happy because IT'S AWESOME?
















This image did it for me. I absolutely love his redesign. Tasky's moved away from the over the top drama of his old costume and personality and turned into more of an antihero (or anti-villain, depending on how you want to look at it). I'm not too sure why I like the hoodie so much, but I do. It's so refreshing after the primary coloured spandex of old.

Also refreshing:

















Cassandra Cain's costume! Could it be? No belly button? No HH boobs? No mask that fails to conceal your identity AT ALL (I'm looking at you, Ms. Marvel)? No cleavage out the ying yang? I just...this fails to compute. But I kind of love it.

I wish I could take the first panel out of context and remove the word bubble. Then it's just her looking very confused (inasmuch as a person whose face is concealed can look confused) and holding a Wonder Woman doll.

But my favourite costume of all time has to be...

















Ha, I'm just kidding, I just put that in to make you feel uncomfortable.

That would be Deadpool, who refused to help the X-Men unless he got to wear Marvel Girl's costume. Fun fact: he was originally supposed to be wearing this costume the whole issue, but the artist didn't want to draw any more of that than he had to, and the writers decided it wouldn't be funny for that long.

I love Beast's reaction. Just the facepalm and calmly correcting Deadpool's assumptions.
"He'll change his mind, right Hank?"
"Give it six seconds, Scott."
"That's an eternity right now."

Female Superheroes/Villains

So we've seen what happens when civilian women are depicted in the comics. What about when they're given costumes?














Diamondback's (the one in the middle, and the only one I can remember because she has diamonds incorporated into her outfit) costume is perfectly passable. Maybe not that discreet for a thief, and her hair kind of pushes this into anime territory, but at least her boobs aren't hanging out like Dr. Betty's. Speaking of Diamondback's boobs, what in the world is going on with them? She looks like she hardcore bound them to her body like Carrie Fisher in Star Wars. They're like super flat and two different sizes. They're really weirding me out.

Now I know that costumes are chosen purely for the aesthetic value, but when you really think about it, how convenient would Asp's costume be? It's a tight dress with really high slits and I think her thong is hanging out. How could you do anything in that? She's a thief and an adventurer. By necessity, she's running and jumping and fighting and such. Would a dress like that really be the best choice?

All I can think of when I look at Black Mamba's leotard thing is how much that zipper must be
chafing on her chest. Ouch.
















Here's a question not often addressed in the comics: what happens when you're a girl and you want to wear a ponytail while engaged in crime-fighting? Well, you do what Lady Deadpool did and cut a hole in the back of your mask, of course.

















Ms. Marvel's costume is perfectly serviceable. It's a standard black leotard with black gloves and over the knee boots. What I don't understand here is the logic behind that sash. It looks haphazardly tied on, like Ms. Marvel was getting ready and was like, "This costume is too black. I need COLOUR" and then she just grabbed the first thing she saw lying around and tied it around her waist.

The more I look at her the more that stupid sash is bothering me. A lot. It's possible I'll dream about it tonight. Does she take it off at mealtimes and use it as a napkin? Does she make an impromptu lasso out of it? Does she use it to tie up criminals? I guess I'll never know.
















Full disclosure: I cannot STAND Typhoid Mary. Yes, you're supposed to hate the villains, but I despise her with a vitriol that surprises even me. Plus, whenever I think about her I call her "Bloody Mary" in my mind and then I have to correct myself, which gets a little irritating. She's really annoying, and it was her fault Deadpool went psycho and hurt Blind Al and it was indirectly her fault that Weasel left for a really long time, leading to a period in Deadpool where it was a chore to read. Seriously, it got as bad as Priest's writing, and reading one of his runs was enough for me.

But let's pretend I don't hate her, and let's pretend that I'm objective. What in the world is this outfit? We've got fishnets that I imagine she would be pulling up every five seconds. We've got a belly shirt with humongous spiked epaulets. Don't those make her too top heavy to function? Her boobs and shoulders make her waist look way too tiny to be normal. And the thong or whatever she is wearing! Is it just me, or does it look like she's hiding a penis under there? It wouldn't surprise me if her gender confusion (along with her schizophrenia) is what is causing her to be a bitch all the time. I would have liked to be around when she was designing her outfit. "Yeah, I want it to be a leather belly shirt with HUGE spiked epaulets...you know, like old school band uniforms, but MORE HARDCORE. Also some fishnets." "Well, what about on the bottom?" "Well, what would look more attractive than a leather thong?"