Female Superheroes/Villains

So we've seen what happens when civilian women are depicted in the comics. What about when they're given costumes?














Diamondback's (the one in the middle, and the only one I can remember because she has diamonds incorporated into her outfit) costume is perfectly passable. Maybe not that discreet for a thief, and her hair kind of pushes this into anime territory, but at least her boobs aren't hanging out like Dr. Betty's. Speaking of Diamondback's boobs, what in the world is going on with them? She looks like she hardcore bound them to her body like Carrie Fisher in Star Wars. They're like super flat and two different sizes. They're really weirding me out.

Now I know that costumes are chosen purely for the aesthetic value, but when you really think about it, how convenient would Asp's costume be? It's a tight dress with really high slits and I think her thong is hanging out. How could you do anything in that? She's a thief and an adventurer. By necessity, she's running and jumping and fighting and such. Would a dress like that really be the best choice?

All I can think of when I look at Black Mamba's leotard thing is how much that zipper must be
chafing on her chest. Ouch.
















Here's a question not often addressed in the comics: what happens when you're a girl and you want to wear a ponytail while engaged in crime-fighting? Well, you do what Lady Deadpool did and cut a hole in the back of your mask, of course.

















Ms. Marvel's costume is perfectly serviceable. It's a standard black leotard with black gloves and over the knee boots. What I don't understand here is the logic behind that sash. It looks haphazardly tied on, like Ms. Marvel was getting ready and was like, "This costume is too black. I need COLOUR" and then she just grabbed the first thing she saw lying around and tied it around her waist.

The more I look at her the more that stupid sash is bothering me. A lot. It's possible I'll dream about it tonight. Does she take it off at mealtimes and use it as a napkin? Does she make an impromptu lasso out of it? Does she use it to tie up criminals? I guess I'll never know.
















Full disclosure: I cannot STAND Typhoid Mary. Yes, you're supposed to hate the villains, but I despise her with a vitriol that surprises even me. Plus, whenever I think about her I call her "Bloody Mary" in my mind and then I have to correct myself, which gets a little irritating. She's really annoying, and it was her fault Deadpool went psycho and hurt Blind Al and it was indirectly her fault that Weasel left for a really long time, leading to a period in Deadpool where it was a chore to read. Seriously, it got as bad as Priest's writing, and reading one of his runs was enough for me.

But let's pretend I don't hate her, and let's pretend that I'm objective. What in the world is this outfit? We've got fishnets that I imagine she would be pulling up every five seconds. We've got a belly shirt with humongous spiked epaulets. Don't those make her too top heavy to function? Her boobs and shoulders make her waist look way too tiny to be normal. And the thong or whatever she is wearing! Is it just me, or does it look like she's hiding a penis under there? It wouldn't surprise me if her gender confusion (along with her schizophrenia) is what is causing her to be a bitch all the time. I would have liked to be around when she was designing her outfit. "Yeah, I want it to be a leather belly shirt with HUGE spiked epaulets...you know, like old school band uniforms, but MORE HARDCORE. Also some fishnets." "Well, what about on the bottom?" "Well, what would look more attractive than a leather thong?"

The Many States of Undress of Dr. Betty

You know what we need more of in the comics?





























Ass crack and underboob.
















Look, I don't care so much about the scantily clad women when I read the comics. It's embarrassing to read if I'm around others, but I can ignore it. But is it too much to ask that I not have to look at Dr. Betty's erect nipple when I'm trying to read about zombiefied heads and such?
















When I saved this picture to my computer, I named it "bettynipslip" and while her nipple is not showing, there's NO WAY it wouldn't be here. I didn't know AIM made such revealing suits for their employees.

Don't her boobs get in the way when she's trying to do delicate scientific procedures?

















Betty's shorts are rapidly on their way to becoming a thong. In later panels they miraculously return to their normal length, once the awesomely named Bong Dazo is done lovingly outlining her ass in a shot probably specifically designed to look up her shorts.

I wasn't going to use all my Betty pictures in one post, but we may as well go all the way, as I've already felt I've gone all the way with Betty. After all, I've seen most of her body by now.














This improvised HYDRA outfit is confusing me, as I'm almost positive that they don't employ women, and so wouldn't have any female outfits on hand. So I can only conclude that Betty looked at the whole HYDRA outfit and decided to just eschew the pants for whatever reason. She's like the Lady Gaga of comics. This choice is especially puzzling when you consider that she's spent most of the comic so far shunning the advances of both Deadpool and Headpool, and then she decides to dress like a skank anyway.

The writing itself of Deadpool: Merc With a Mouth is pretty good, and Dr. Betty's skankitude is especially maddening as she's a pretty strong female character. She's a scientist, she works for a well-known terrorist organization, she's pretty snarky, and she was alone in the Savage Land with just like, mosquito netting for protection. But all that takes a backseat to BOOBIES. I only have four issues on hand, but there are A WHOLE LOT MORE Betty pictures where these came from. It's all Betty prancing around in the jungle with her shirt straining at her enormous boobs and Betty's shorts getting a lot shorter and Betty's nipples and Betty's fanservice-y HYDRA and then AIM outfits, and ARGH it just gets irritating. But I guess I can't say that Marvel doesn't do anything for its female readers:















Thanks Bong Dazo! How did you KNOW I wanted to look at Deadpool's scabby ass? Thank GOD his pouches (somehow, are those things made of titanium?) survived the explosion he was in!

Well, I know I need a mental cleansing after all that.




















Oh Nick Fury, how do I love you? Let me count the ways.

Nothing But Vomit

I know what you're thinking. "Oh, it's just Cable throwing up. I'm tough, that doesn't gross me out." No. Cable had to absorb Deadpool so Deadpool's healing factor could save him from the T-O virus taking over, and Deadpool needed bodily fluids from Cable to save him from being melted by Anton Kruch's virus thing. What Cable's puking up right there? That would be liquefied Deadpool. Yummy.















That poor rat. What did it ever do to you, Dick Grayson (age 12)? This one's pretty disgusting in and of itself, but context makes it worse. Batman has locked Robin inside the Bat Cave and refused to give him anything to eat. Thus, he is forced to eat that rat that Robin killed with an axe. Would you want a 12 year old wielding an axe? I wouldn't. The panel below is after Robin eats half the raw rat and then pukes. Jim Lee treats us to a VERY close closeup of Robin's pukey mouth and hand. I'm very close to gagging right now after being forced to look at that picture for so long. I'm not sure I could ever be hungry enough to eat a raw animal. I would probably start eating the rubber off the (goddamn) Batmobile's tires before I would eat a raw, rabies infested rat.

Edit: I just saw that I had a document called "robinpuking" and I was momentarily confused, wondering when I was puking and why I had a picture of it. Then I realized the picture was of Dick Grayson, age 12 up there.

I assumed that puking in the comics was kind of rare, but I guess not that rare:















I find it interesting that the vomit is the exact same orangey/yellow colour as Robin's. Apparently they eat the same things in the DCU and the Marvel Universe. I also enjoy the sound effects. Robin goes "blaaaaarg" but I much prefer the "hh--WWOORK!" this anonymous guy is doing. He has style, although Cable's giving his all with the "BLEUURGF" in the first picture.

The (D)Evolution of Agent X

Agent X is my very favourite comic ever, and for only having fifteen issues, it went through a few writers and artists. The first seven issues were drawn by Udon. I love them. They're my favourite. I am an Udon fan. See?















It doesn't show so much here, but they're very inspired by anime. The drawings are usually flawless and they're just nice to look at. How much I love a given comic is usually multiplied by ten if they're on the title.

When Gail Simone left the title after seven issues, she took Udon with her, and they were replaced by Mitch Breitweiser.













I actually had no memory of what this artist was like until I looked at the issue again. Even coming on the heels of Udon, I quite like this. It's a more dark and gritty version of the art, and it fits with the overall feel of Agent X. I could see this art in a graphic novelization of The Maltese Falcon or something.

After Breitweiser left after two issues, he was replaced by Juan Bobillo.


















I don't really have the words for how much I hate this. Every time I saw Alex, I was reminded again how much he looked like the long lost member of the Gorillaz. He has some kind of weird pig nose. He looks like a less hairy version of the missing link, basically. Sandy up on the right there has completely changed her appearance, eschewing her long brown hair for some kind of weird orange/blonde dye job or something. She also looks more manly than I think she would like. The only character who escaped relatively unscathed was Tasky, and that was probably because a) I'm pretty sure he didn't show up that much, and b) he doesn't really have a face to screw up.

Anyway, next up we've got Kyle Hotz, who drew one issue.














Alex seems to have been afflicted with whatever the Elephant Man had, as his face is very large and somewhat bulbous. I do like the excessive shading though, and I think I might be in love with that dude on the right. He just looks so DELIGHTED to be a henchman. I love it.

And then with the next issues we come full circle, back to Udon.
















Ahhh. Hello, Udon. Good to see you again. Nice job on Deadpool! And Swan doesn't look too bad either.

Lastly we have Alvin Lee. He works with Udon so it's still very animesque, but it's very slightly different.













You can see it mostly in Sandy's eyes, which are bigger and more shiny. I think her face is thinner too. Agent X and Tasky still look largely the same as they did in the first seven issues.

Side note: there are SO MANY LEES in the comic book business. Stan Lee, Pat Lee, Alvin Lee, Jim Lee, Jae Lee... it's getting so insane that this is what Alvin Lee's Wikipedia page says:

"Alvin Lee is not related to Stan Lee, Jim Lee, Pat Lee, or Jae Lee, four other prominent people named Lee in the North American comic book industry."

It's kind of like the Brotherhood of Steves on Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged, but it's the brotherhood of Lees. I think they're probably planning to take over the world.

HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THAT?

I'm attempting to find some sort of theme in each post, but I can bet that I'll run out soon. Today though, I'm presenting some pretty friggin' scary panels.














Here I present Superman, as drawn by Jim Lee in All-Star Batman and Robin. Look at that face! There is no pity or mercy in those eyes. The red is just remnants from his laser vision and not evidence of his recent transformation into a cyborg, but even knowing why his eyes are red doesn't make this any less frightening. I mean, look at that panel above compared to this:






















Next time I read All-Star Batman I think I'll make up my own plotline in which the Terminator is disguising itself as Superman to win the hearts of everyone in the DCU before it goes on a horrible, horrible killing spree. However, being confronted with a milk carton featuring a photo of the missing Dick Grayson, age 12 (and how long has it been since milk cartons featured missing children, anyway?) is too much and he loses his control.

Also: look at that muscly neck! Perhaps Superman/Terminator spent some time in the mines featured in Brutal Legend, until Eddie freed him and he learned about the awesome power of metal. I'll imagine anything to keep from stabbing myself in the eye if I ever decide to read ASBAR again.















This is from the excellent Birds of Prey, and it's from a nightmare that Oracle OH HELL PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP

Boobs Don't Work That Way

Let's take a look at Dr. Betty here, from Deadpool: Merc With a Mouth, issue 1. The more I look at this, the more freakish it is. THAT'S NOT NORMAL. First of all, she's a scientist. I doubt she would be wearing a belly shirt open to her belly button to reveal a nice lacy bra. In retrospect, I'm not even sure that's a bra. They look like doily pasties or something. Very convenient when you're in the Savage Land. But whatever. Comics are primarily written and drawn by males, for males, so as a female reading them, I have to give them some concessions. But even going beyond that, I can't stop staring at her boobs. Look at that. That's like a KK cup, easy. I don't think her arms can even rest comfortably at her sides. I imagine her waddling around with her arms held out from her sides. That is the most inconvenient pair of boobs I have ever seen in my life. How does she function with honkers of that magnitude? Recently, I watched a documentary on women with very large boobs, and there was a girl with KK boobs. Those suckers weighed NINE POUNDS together. With the amount of running and physical activity Dr. Betty does later in the comic, there's no way she wouldn't suffer some kind of trauma to her back. My chest is starting to hurt just looking at her.

Also, I'm not sure if that hand on the right is hers, or some Neanderthal from the Savage Land copping a feel.





















Might as well get all the WTF boob pictures out of the way in one post. Just ignore the image on the left, although the more I look at it the more frightening it is. It's from the Dark Knight Returns. We're focusing on the picture of Bruno on the right, from All-Star Batman and Robin, because that's the comic I've read.

I don't know what to say. I can't remember exactly what my reaction to seeing this picture was, probably because I blacked out from confusion. I'm not sure if Bruno here is an original Batman character, or if she was a creation of Frank Miller (which wouldn't surprise me, honestly). I would love to know who said, "You know what? Joker needs a henchman." Someone was probably like, "Oh yeah, that's cool. Were you thinking like a big brawny dude with a cool uniform?" "NO! We need more female Aryans in the comics...and give her big boobs of course. AND PASTIES! NO! SWASTIKA PASTIES! OH MAN, I CAN SEE IT IN MY HEAD AND IT'S SO AWESOME!"

What Is This?

I haven't been an avid comic reader for very long (approximately since the beginning of September 2009), but I've read enough to know that SOME OF THIS ART IS WACK.

Some things cause me to just sit and stare at my computer screen in horror. And by some things, I mean pretty much everything drawn by Frank Miller.

I'd like to call attention to some of the weirdly proportioned, ridiculously endowed, or just plain freaky looking art found in conventional comic books. And maybe if I'm feeling nice I'll showcase some good examples of the medium.