The Day of the Ponytail

I think we can all agree that ponytails are generally the domain of the female. I very rarely see men with ponytails, and if they do have ponytails, they're low on their heads. But in comics, the rules are different.

















Did Canary do his hair or something? That's the only way I imagine a man would actually do his hair like this. This is an immaculate ponytail with no hair sticking out, and it's pulled back super tightly from his head. Not only is he wearing a ponytail, but he's wearing a ponytail he put effort into. You need gel or something to get it that perfect. He put thought into his hairdo.


















Oh hey Canary, you look really manly all of a...wait. That's just another man with blow dried anime hair in a ponytail. This guy is hilarious. He's supposed to be really scary and psycho, but all I could think when I was reading this was "I CANNOT TAKE THIS GUY SERIOUSLY WITH HIS LONG, FLOWING LOCKS."















If I'm recalling correctly (which I might not be) this guy is in some sort of secret service or some such. Wearing your hair in a ponytail is not the way to go about inspiring fear in people.

Comic books are not the only form of media susceptible to this phenomenon. Animation is as well.

















Let's ignore the fact that this guy might be wearing chaps. His hair here looks like those cartoon pictures of little girls who have a little ponytail sticking up because they're supposed to be cute. Or like, little lapdogs who have the ponytail to show that they're pampered. This is not the thing to wear if you want to be thought of as masculine, ever.















Wow. Not only is he wearing like, some sort of retro sixties ponytail, he is accessorizing with a headband that matches the rest of his outfit. Comics are insane.

I love you, Deadpool. Keep doing what you're doing.

Like I said before, I was going to stay away from cheap shots on Rob Liefeld, but I feel like this needs to be seen:








































It's like every bad hair sin of comics personified. High ponytail, check. Unnecessary additions to the hairdo, check. Mullet, check. In the words of the guys at Progressive Boink, "Can you imagine how hard you would elbow your friend if you saw a dude with three ponytails? You would elbow the shit out of them."

Crossing The Line

Here's something else I learned about comics since I started reading them in depth: no matter what you've heard, they are not for children. Or at least Deadpool isn't.




















This is the aftermath of these guys going back in time to shoot a baby in its crib. Different people in Booster Gold mention going back in time to kill key characters while they are children, but I didn't think they'd actually SHOW IT.
















Sabretooth keeps dead people in his closet. No big D.
And not only does he keep adults but:



















He also keeps a little girl for dessert. Ugh. I hate him more than T-Ray.















Deadpool gets to show a soft side he rarely gets to express during Tieri's run and helps a young child power down by telling Yo Momma jokes (his go-to in every situation, it would seem) and then the fuzzy moment is destroyed when Kane kills the kid. I thought in fiction children were supposed to have character shield, but I guess not. You know what else doesn't?














Dogs. First, they showed one of those evil twins planning on doing something unknown with the dog. Then it showed the dog being thrown. Then it showed this panel. Here was my thought process while reading this:
"She's not going to hurt the dog, is she? They wouldn't do that."
"Nah, the dogs never die."
"Okay, if the dog gets hurt, they wouldn't show it, would they?"
"Is she throwing that dog at the windshield? They're not going to show that, are they?"
"They definitely just showed a dog smashing through a windshield."
"Fuck you, Jimmy Palmiotti."
A small mercy here is that they didn't show any blood. Thanks for at least giving me that, Palmiotti.

Although, I...not enjoy - I don't generally enjoy dogs getting hurt - but I am kind of amused by its facial expression. It's less "horror stricken at its impending death" so much as a little disgruntled. He just looks kind of annoyed at this interruption of his walk.

Black Canary

Did she stuff a basketball down her pants? That is a perfectly circular butt cheek.


















Here's something fun: try standing like this. You have to stick your ass out and bend your knees a lot. No woman has, nor will any woman ever stand like this for the simple reason that it's uncomfortable and it looks stupid. But for some reason which I cannot comprehend, male comic artists INSIST on making women pose like this, the most egregious example, of course, being Rob Liefeld.















The fringed jacket and baseball cap would be bad enough, but why is she wearing that jacket over her superhero costume? If it's warm enough for spandex, it's too warm for the jacket. One or the other Canary, and while I'm not a huge fan of your normal outfit, it's better than that heinous 90's-tastic jacket.

All together now: awwwwwwwwwww

When people think "comic books" they don't generally think of them as particularly heartwarming. But a surprising number of comics give the warm fuzzies.















This takes place after Booster goes back in time to save Ted Kord from death, and then Ted realizes he has to die to make the timeline normal again, and dies all over again. Booster gives up on his mission and snaps at the JLA and everyone who likes him. Batman decides to take things into his own hands and give Booster a pep talk and then offers to be there for him, even though he's not Ted. Who knew Batman had empathy for others? I halfway thought Batman didn't even have any emotions. It was probably the second sweetest (and best) thing anyone had ever done for Booster, the first being when Rip brought Michelle back from the dead. I particularly like the extra touch of having Batman's sympathetic face reflected in Booster's goggles.

















Booster and Beetle's narration about each other sometimes seems like it should be narmy (especially when it gets on the homoerotic side) but it still works, because it's so sweet! "I barely know him [the future Blue Beetle] and yet I owe him everything. Because my best friend is back."

















This is after Deadpool and the Avengers and Fantastic Four and others fight the Carnage dinos, and Deadpool finally realizes what it is to be a hero. The panels are a throwback to the opening of Cable/Deadpool showing just how far Deadpool has come from the lonely and bitter bastard we started out with. Now he has friends and he's learned how to be a friend. The fact that they're watching Golden Girls is, of course, a shout out to Deadpool's well-known love of Bea Arthur. And the TV going "thank you for being a friend" is a great shout out to Deadpool finally being a friend to people. It's the perfect ending to a fantastic comic.

"That's how I defenstrate, chumples!"

This might be the best thing Deadpool has every said. I can't put my finger on why I enjoy it so much, but I just think it's so funny. "THAT'S HOW I DEFENSTRATE, CHUMPLES!" It makes no sense! But it's hilarious!

I also love Spidey's expression. So confused, and yet in his heart he can't let himself be surprised. Because it's Deadpool, and Deadpool is insane.

"Meh, no need to waste time taking off this shirt. I'm just gonna rip it off." How was he hiding his cape under that suit he was wearing as a disguise? And when he ripped off his shirt, did his pants rip off as well? Batman is so hardcore.

In addition to having either the best or worst name (I can't decide which) The Malevolent Madmen look like the Satanic love child of the Power Rangers and some Fraggles. So is it just a thing that Booster Gold and Blue Beetle get the worst villains, seeing as how they're B-list and all?

Mullet Madness

You would not believe how many mullets there are in comic books. Here's proof.














WHAT IS UP WITH THIS HAIR??? She looks like a member of T-Rex or something.
















That cop is trying for an imposing look there, but the mullet kind of kills the effect.















I don't know who this lady is. I don't think she's a member of the JLA. Is she the official cake cutter or something?

Guy Gardner looks like he's trying very hard not to shart.















Ralph, there's already a strike against you for being Mr. Fantastic's lamer twin (including a wife named Sue). Do you have to add the ginger mullet to the mix?
















Rex, you're from the future, and this comic was written in 2007. There is no excuse for that hair.

Why AREN'T there two Condiment Kings?

The only way all my wishes would come true is if there were two Condiment Kings, but there aren't, are there, Booster?

















You have got to be kidding me. There is more than one show of ass crack in the comic pages? And they occur across the DC and Marvel universes? Give me a break.















And with this one image, a hundred Beetle hentai fetishes were launched.